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| "That rug really tied the room together." |
When I first saw the trailers for it, 2010’s True Grit seemed everything a man could want in a movie: the Wild West, guns, Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, bad guys, a moderately attractive 14 year old... But when I went to see it I got a very different story.
Firstly, I’ll say this. If you are going to see this film then Gold Class cinema is the way to go. A movie is best taken in a reclining leather chair with vast quantities of cold beer brought to you by pretty little things in uniforms (and no, I will not apologize for my blatant sexism). This experience is quickly followed by a 400oz steak for maximum manly effect.
While I thoroughly enjoyed this film, it has its fair share of problems, which I will recount for you in no particular order:
Jeff Bridges is as unintelligible as a stroke victim with a speech impediment. Seriously, this guy needs fucking subtitles. I managed to pick up about a third of what he was saying, and another third I garnished from the context, but a whole fucking third of his lines are just pure gibberish.
Matt Damon talks fine for most of the movie, but ends up biting half his tongue off being an idiot and sounds like a deaf person trying to talk for the rest of the movie, so you end up with two out of three main characters that you can’t fucking understand. Hearing them arguing is like trying to read brail while some asshole throws hundreds and thousands on your book.
The first 30 minutes of this film are boring. Who cares about some dead guy, he’s clearly already dead. And funeral arrangements? The price of wool? Court hearings? Yawn. Do I seem like the kind of person who reads The Courier-Mail? Kill more people movie. And you call yourself a western. Tisk, tisk.
Barry Pepper has stupid facial hair, Josh Brolin is only alive for like 5 minutes, Matt Damon dresses like a member of the Village People and Bruce Green has the world’s smallest face while retaining a normal sized head. Seriously, look at this thing. You could rent that forehead out for advertising billboards.
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| "Oh yes, Child. I watch you pee." |
Anyway, the story is an old one. It is based on the original short story, rather than the less accurate John Wayne film from 1969, and holds pretty true to it from what I’ve heard. Now, being a film written and directed by the Coen brothers, you’d expect the ending to suck. And it does. It sucks big ones for spare change. Matt Damon disappears and isn’t heard of again, Jeff Bridges dies in a travelling circus, and the reasonably attractive girl turns into a mannish old spinster with one arm and a mono-brow. This is just like ‘No Country for Old Men’, awesome up until the end. Oh, and Josh Brolin dies way too early.
And another thing movie; If you put a man in a bear-suit in your fucking trailer, make sure you show more than one minute of that bear-suit, give it to a protagonist to wear, and explain the story behind it. Don’t have some hillbilly show up wearing it, say “Ya’ll want some teeth?” and then leave. That’s the worst use of a bear-suit I’ve ever seen.
All in all, the cast were well chosen, and Hailee Steinfeld does well in her first major role alongside some of Hollywood’s biggest names. The story is good, the execution was terrific and the setting is magnificent. I’d recommend seeing it for just its sheer awesome value, if nothing else.
I give it three and a half obviously false moustaches out of five.
