 |
| Jason Statham: regretting his decision to be in this movie far too late to do anything about it. |
I've gone on (and on, and on) in the past
about my thoughts on crazed German director Uwe Boll and his videogame-to-film
adaptations, but apparently that wasn't enough for some people, on account of
me being bet five whole dollars that I couldn't sit through the runny poo that
is his 2007 epic masterpiece; In the Name of the King: A
Dungeon Siege Tale.
First off, to really understand the film as
a failure, you need to understand the source material, and why it sucked
anyway.
Dungeon siege was a shit game. Don't argue
with me on this, it's true, and you know it. Those rose-coloured glasses are
making you see a polished turd in place of the unpolished, corn-encrusted
bowl-hog that is really is. An unmemorable hack and slash role playing game
with nods towards earlier games like Ultima or Diablo, the story revolves
around a farmer (you) who's community is attacked by creatures called 'the
Krug', which makes them sound like the bad guys in a children's book, and he must
then travel to the Castle Ehb to attempt to stop the evil that is growing
there.
Oh, and there is a dragon... named Scorch.
Yeah, it's fucked, I know.
My point is that the source material was
awful to begin with, and then we layer on the Uwe Boll factor - which is known
to add like 140% more suck to pretty much anything he touches (except Postal)
and you get this rancid, hot-sick-on-the-sidewalk piece of film.
So, the plot is pretty much as I described
above, which means Boll probably didn't bother with a script, so I'll go on
about the cast instead. Now, if you've seen any of his films, you'll know he
has a tendency to use the same actors, over and over again like he owes them
money or something, but this time around we get a surprisingly large and well
known cast. Which is a bad thing. Jason Statham plays the protagonist farmer
from the game, so Uwe wisely chose to name his character Farmer, just in case
anyone forgot who he was meant to be.
This was clearly a 'contract-bind with the
studio' kind of deal with Statham, or at least that is what I'm choosing to
believe.
We also have an incredible list of actors
who were also clearly out of work at the time, or just in desperate need of a
renovation or something. Absolute hottie Leelee Sobieski plays Muriella (who is
some kind of witch or some shit, I don't know I wasn't really paying
attention), Ron Perlman plays a rancher who finds the young Farmer alone
wandering a battlefield and takes him under his wing, John Rhys-Davies plays
Merick who is the King's Magus (and a clear knock-off of Merlin), Burt Reynolds
is the King, and Matthew "I can't believe no one has tried to murder you
yet" Lillard is the King's Nephew - Duke Fallow. This all seems like an
excessive amount of useless family tree-ing so far, I could have made this work
with one actor, a green screen, some blu-tak and half a packet of
pipe-cleaners.
'Ok, ok, that cast is a pretty sad state of
affairs' I hear you all say, somehow, through time and the internet, 'but surely
the villain is a good pick, right? Predictably wrong. Ray Liotta plays Gallian,
the evil wizard Farmer must confront. Ray fucking Liotta. Jesus man, have some
self respect. I mean, you were in Goodfellas for Christ's sake. What kind of
bet did you lose to end up in here? Because I would stop gambling if I were
you.
The soundtrack is also a mystery to me. How
the fuck did Uwe convince Blind Guardian to record the main theme of this lumpy
fart of a movie? Come on guys, you're better than this. I know you are.
All of this accumulates into what is
essentially a shitty movie that unbelievably has not one, but two sequels. Who
the hell watched this and thought "You know what? I need more". No
one, ever, that's who. The performances are wooden, the dialogue is cringingly
bad and the production value is non-existent. It was nominated for a total of 5
Razzie Awards, including Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay (for not having one, I
imagine), Worst Supporting Actor (Burt Reynolds), Worst Supporting Actress
(Leelee "So-hot-I-would-eat-a-foot-of-her-shit" Sobieski) and Worst
Director - which Uwe Boll won. Congratulations.
Understandably the movie was a box-office
bomb, costing $60 million to make, and grossing just $10.3 million world-wide.
Now I see why Uwe Boll didn't need a script.
He already had one... written years in advance... by Peter Jackson... called The Lord of the Rings: The Return of
the King.
If you were considering watching this movie
then I cannot strongly recommend against it enough. I would rather buy meat
from a haemophilic butcher with HIV and a strong degree of clumsiness with a
filleting knife. I would rather watch my own grandson's first steps be into
traffic. I would also make a joke about my mother here, but she's getting old
now, and I want our last memories to be happy ones - so it will be easier to
convince her to give me power of attorney.
All in all, an unpleasant experience - not
unlike haemorrhoids.
As always, please don't beat me up Mr.
Boll.
P.S. This just goes to show what I am
willing to subject myself to for $5.
