Be Kind Rewind

Jack Black? More like Jack Blackface.

Be Kind Rewind is, at its core, a movie about a video rental store. So, you know, a really relevant topic for 2008. Already winning points with the zoomers on relatability. Can the sequel be about a public phone booth? Maybe some Tazos? Remember Tazos? What kind of bullshit word is Tazo? And what the fuck was a Tazo? Was it some kind of off-brand POG, or maybe a trading card, or some sick combination of the two? Perhaps we will never know the truth, because the powerful Tazo lobbyists at Smith's Chips keep suppressing my research. The Chippy Monster is real! Crisps did 9/11!

We're through the looking glass here, people...

So, the story. As I said, this is a movie about a video rental store. This store, however, specializes in VHS tapes because you really need to see a movie in analogue format to, like, truly appreciate its essence, man. (Because yes, nothing says high fidelity like magnetic tape). It is also a movie about movies, the passion people have for them, and the passion studios have for abusing copyright laws. It stars Danny Glover, apparent rapper Mos Def and his idiotic, but unlovable, sidekick Jack Black. Oh yes, it's one of those movies.

Danny Glover owns the video store, but it's not making any money and a development firm wants to buy out his lease. Unless he can find the money to renovate the dilapidated building the whole block will be demolished to make way for high end apartments. So, Danny Glover fucks off somewhere to learn about DVDs and how to rent them, because they've only been the industry standard for twenty three years at this point, and obviously renting them is an entirely different process to renting tapes. This leaves Mos Def in charge of the store for a week. It is at this point that a clearly psychotic Jack Black suggests they sabotage a nearby power plant because its microwaves are stealing his songs or giving him soft boners or something, and Mos Def wisely chooses to ignore him. Jack Black tries to sabotage the power plant alone and is electrocuted. Unfortunately he doesn't die and we have to proceed with this farce for another hour and forty two minutes. Well, shit.

It is at this point any sane person would press stop, uninstall Prime Video and enjoy a refreshing bleach enema. But I am a masochist, and hate myself far more than mere words can allude to, so I strapped in with eyes wide and removed the batteries from the remote incase my resolve weakened further down the line.

Due to the accident Jack Black becomes magnetic, because apparently that's how electricity works, and he wipes all the VHS tapes in the store. Mos Def is upset - I think. It's very difficult to understand him. He has a habit of mumbling through his lines with the sort of speech impediment that eliminates the first and last letter of every word. So now they must team up to remake every movie in the store before Danny Glover gets home and finds out.

To start with they remake such classics as Ghostbusters, Robocop and Men In Black with some tin foil, a stack hat and some old shit they found in a nearby landfill. Then, because people like them somehow, they make some more. Then they get the whole town to help make a documentary about a fake jazz musician named Fats Waller, who's only noteworthy act was to die on a train.

Then Sigourney Weaver turns up, threatens them with copyright violation and runs over all their tapes with a steam roller for a laugh.

The movie has some enjoyable moments; most Notably when they are 'swede-ing' other, better movies. Watching their mediocre attempts at matching high budget special effects is almost endearing - in the same way that a man turning up to a cosplay convention in a cardboard box that says 'Gundam' on it is endearing. And gundam is spelled wrong. And his penis is hanging out of the bottom. And it's your uncle who isn't meant to be in 50 feet of a child.

Other than that it's a classic underdog tale that somehow manages to skip the vital scene where everything gets resolved and they stick it to the man. It just ends. No conclusion, nothing.

Danny Glover seriously needs to retire. He looks as if the only thing keeping him upright is off label ED medication, while he tries to hold on to the type of crazy that involves owning a lot of plastic bags full of old litter. He looks like Bill Cosby standing trial. And speaking of black people I have difficulty understanding; Mos Def should learn sign language. And lastly we get to Jack Black. Jack Black always seems to play the kind of person we would now classify as 'on the spectrum' who's mother would ignore the Ritalin prescriptions and just feed him chewable vitamins. His best role ever was in the Jackal when Bruce Willis shot him to death. He's like a fat, just as mediocrely talented Jim Carrey. And if you think Jim Carrey is funny, what the fuck are you doing here and not protesting on some university campus somewhere?

After watching this movie I dreamt I was a black man named Thaddeus Goodidea, and that electric Jesus came to take away the sinners. Full disclosure, I did drink a lot of cough syrup beforehand, though that's probably not related.

All in all definitely one to not watch on a plane.

At the end of the day, if you've learnt one thing from reading this, I hope it's the truth of what a TAZO really is. And if it is, please email me with your findings. They can't silence us all.

PS. Jack Black, if you are reading this (and I know you are), please stick to music. Watching you act is like watching someone feed faeces to an invalid; difficult to do while maintaining a full erection.

BITSO - Die Hard

"Nils is dead. I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head."

Fucking Die Hard, am I right? Strong contender for the greatest movie of all time. Oscar nominated for 'best original Christmas film', Grammy nominated for 'best sass talk' and Tony winner for both the coveted 'best original dirty singlet' and 'best Bruce Willis in an action movie' categories. Who doesn't love Die Hard? Right?

This is Live Free or Die Hard.

Even the title makes me cringe, like it had to suck the patriot dick of America to sell any tickets.

First of all, to understand the travesty that is, in Australia at least, Die Hard 4.0 (like it's a fucking Apple IOS) we need to establish some criteria of what makes a good Die Hard? As someone who has extensively studied the genre, I have compiled an easy to understand list of attributes that are needed for peak Die Hardness. They are as follows:
- Protagonist is down on his luck, and out of his element.
- Protagonist is in the wrong place at the wrong time.
- Bi-racial partnership.
- Vaguely European robbers posing as terrorists (led by a classically trained English actor).

Now, those are maybe a little vague, but I defy anyone to argue them. Let's put them to the test now, shall we?

Die Hard: A down on his luck protagonist, out of his element (jet lagged) and, more importantly, his jurisdiction; happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and, with the help of a black policeman, must outwit and outplay a band of vaguely European thieves posing as terrorists.

Die Hard with a Vengeance: A down on his luck protagonist, out of his element (hung over) and, more importantly, on suspension; happens to have been previously in the wrong place at the wrong time and, with the help of a black locksmith and store owner, must outwit and outplay a band of vaguely European thieves posing as terrorists.

So far we're batting 4 for 4 - which is excellent form. And let's face it, those are the only two Die Hards that matter. Like, at all.

So, what lessons did Hollywood learn from the two best movies in the franchise? Well, apparently fuck all. Let's run through a quick comparison:
Our protagonist? - Yes, he's down on his luck, but only in the way all middle aged people who suck at life are. Family problems? Boring. No one gave a fuck about John McClane's kids before. We Barely gave a fuck about Holly.
Wrong place, wrong time? - Well, yes. But I feel this has more to do with the screenwriter being unable to come up with a valid and believable reason for tough-as-nails McClane to otherwise partner up with MacBook owning, soy drinking piss-ant Justin Long.
Bi-racial shenanigans? - Unless you count Justin Long as anything other than the whitest of whites, then no.
Euro bad guys? - Timothy Olyphant is, while a fantastic actor and by all accounts a fair and just sheriff, not in fact European. He does have a few Hispanics working for him, but then what American criminal doesn't?

So that's a two out of four, which is by all accounts a fail, and that's being generous. It's really more like two separate halves out of four.

The plot is dull as to be almost lifeless. It was based on a previously unrelated script called WW3.com, which should tell you everything you need to know about it. The original script was shelved after 9/11, and was later resurrected like a semi-decomposed husk to be puppeteered for our apparent amusement. I'm not even going to type up a synopsis. That's how little I care about it.

The best Die Hards were a little farcical, a little sarcastic, and - much like a macroglossia baby - a little tongue-in-cheek. But they were fairly well grounded in reality. Our hero gets hurt, beaten up, shot and metaphorically shit on before managing to turn the tables by wits or trickery. This one has McClane blow up a helicopter by jumping a car into it. Then he manages to not die after an F-35B Lightning shreds the cabin of his stolen truck in half with a 25mm Gatling cannon. Fuck right off with that shit, movie. This isn't Unbreakable.

Overall, this movie, and it's protagonist, take themselves way too seriously for what was - in its best renditions - a fun, action heavy buddy cop movie. It lacks all the things that make a Die Hard a Die Hard. Honestly, you could have replaced Bruce Willis with Mark Wahlberg and called in something ridiculous like, oh I don't know, WW3.com, and it would have been just as good. Or shitty, in this instance. Nothing about it made me feel as if this was the same character from the previous 3 films except for the badly horseshoed in name. If you want a better Die Hard movie watch White House Down, it covers all the bases for a good Die Hard, except for the terrorists nationality. They even have the hilariously out of touch hacking scene from the first one.

Live Free or Die Hard missed the mark so completely that is also missed Matthew, Luke and John.