BITSO - Die Hard

"Nils is dead. I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head."

Fucking Die Hard, am I right? Strong contender for the greatest movie of all time. Oscar nominated for 'best original Christmas film', Grammy nominated for 'best sass talk' and Tony winner for both the coveted 'best original dirty singlet' and 'best Bruce Willis in an action movie' categories. Who doesn't love Die Hard? Right?

This is Live Free or Die Hard.

Even the title makes me cringe, like it had to suck the patriot dick of America to sell any tickets.

First of all, to understand the travesty that is, in Australia at least, Die Hard 4.0 (like it's a fucking Apple IOS) we need to establish some criteria of what makes a good Die Hard? As someone who has extensively studied the genre, I have compiled an easy to understand list of attributes that are needed for peak Die Hardness. They are as follows:
- Protagonist is down on his luck, and out of his element.
- Protagonist is in the wrong place at the wrong time.
- Bi-racial partnership.
- Vaguely European robbers posing as terrorists (led by a classically trained English actor).

Now, those are maybe a little vague, but I defy anyone to argue them. Let's put them to the test now, shall we?

Die Hard: A down on his luck protagonist, out of his element (jet lagged) and, more importantly, his jurisdiction; happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and, with the help of a black policeman, must outwit and outplay a band of vaguely European thieves posing as terrorists.

Die Hard with a Vengeance: A down on his luck protagonist, out of his element (hung over) and, more importantly, on suspension; happens to have been previously in the wrong place at the wrong time and, with the help of a black locksmith and store owner, must outwit and outplay a band of vaguely European thieves posing as terrorists.

So far we're batting 4 for 4 - which is excellent form. And let's face it, those are the only two Die Hards that matter. Like, at all.

So, what lessons did Hollywood learn from the two best movies in the franchise? Well, apparently fuck all. Let's run through a quick comparison:
Our protagonist? - Yes, he's down on his luck, but only in the way all middle aged people who suck at life are. Family problems? Boring. No one gave a fuck about John McClane's kids before. We Barely gave a fuck about Holly.
Wrong place, wrong time? - Well, yes. But I feel this has more to do with the screenwriter being unable to come up with a valid and believable reason for tough-as-nails McClane to otherwise partner up with MacBook owning, soy drinking piss-ant Justin Long.
Bi-racial shenanigans? - Unless you count Justin Long as anything other than the whitest of whites, then no.
Euro bad guys? - Timothy Olyphant is, while a fantastic actor and by all accounts a fair and just sheriff, not in fact European. He does have a few Hispanics working for him, but then what American criminal doesn't?

So that's a two out of four, which is by all accounts a fail, and that's being generous. It's really more like two separate halves out of four.

The plot is dull as to be almost lifeless. It was based on a previously unrelated script called WW3.com, which should tell you everything you need to know about it. The original script was shelved after 9/11, and was later resurrected like a semi-decomposed husk to be puppeteered for our apparent amusement. I'm not even going to type up a synopsis. That's how little I care about it.

The best Die Hards were a little farcical, a little sarcastic, and - much like a macroglossia baby - a little tongue-in-cheek. But they were fairly well grounded in reality. Our hero gets hurt, beaten up, shot and metaphorically shit on before managing to turn the tables by wits or trickery. This one has McClane blow up a helicopter by jumping a car into it. Then he manages to not die after an F-35B Lightning shreds the cabin of his stolen truck in half with a 25mm Gatling cannon. Fuck right off with that shit, movie. This isn't Unbreakable.

Overall, this movie, and it's protagonist, take themselves way too seriously for what was - in its best renditions - a fun, action heavy buddy cop movie. It lacks all the things that make a Die Hard a Die Hard. Honestly, you could have replaced Bruce Willis with Mark Wahlberg and called in something ridiculous like, oh I don't know, WW3.com, and it would have been just as good. Or shitty, in this instance. Nothing about it made me feel as if this was the same character from the previous 3 films except for the badly horseshoed in name. If you want a better Die Hard movie watch White House Down, it covers all the bases for a good Die Hard, except for the terrorists nationality. They even have the hilariously out of touch hacking scene from the first one.

Live Free or Die Hard missed the mark so completely that is also missed Matthew, Luke and John.