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| Michael Palin has a cameo demonstrating his hispanic Gumby routine. |
If anyone ever asked me, I would deny it with my dying
breath, and call you a homo for suggesting it; but secretly, deep down in the
dark places of my heart, I actually really like this movie. I need it, I want
it. I crave it like Oedipus craves his momma’s saggers.
This is a movie that came out in 1997, at the very height of
Matthew Perry fever (a condition that shared very few symptoms with Saturday
Night Fever, which I understand was predominantly dancing badly and being
greasy). It co-stars Salma Hayek as, wait for it, the fiery Hispanic woman.
This was Matthew Perry in his prime, still charming and
handsome and with that new David Schwimmer smell; not the fat, rosy-cheeked
Matthew Perry of today who looks like he’s about 3 drinks away from liver
failure.
Matthew Perry plays Alex White-man, an accurate enough name,
who is a real estate developer who just landed a job in Las Vegas building a
new Casino. He meets Isabel Fuentes (Hayek) in the toilet line at a Mexican
themed restaurant while waiting to pinch off a burrito or two. How romantic. So
they have a one night stand and guess who ends up pregnant? Yep. Matthew Perry.
From here on out it’s sort of like Junior, but less shit.
Actually Isabel gets knocked up and Alex decides to throw
away the life he knows to marry that mocha goddess and live in Vegas, spending
every day drinking, gambling and plowing a set of caramel double D’s. Fuck,
what a hard decision that must have been. That’s like a toss-up between a cold,
refreshing beer and a slap to the fuzzy beanbag.
Alex’s parents are pretty much racists, Isabel’s family
consists entirely of maids and gardeners, and the fish-out-of-water style
comedy carries of for what seems far too long. Yes, there are moments where a
sensible chuckle is warranted, what with Perry’s foolish antics, but other
times the comedy seems a little forced, which makes it about as funny as trying
to run a mile with a pocket full of someone else’s piss.
Unusually, for a comedy, there are some pretty racy topics
covered in what could easily be mistaken for unsubtle discrimination; such as
Mexican/American relations, gaudy hacienda décor and the stupidity of white
people. To be honest though most of the time I was just thinking about Salma
Hayek’s taco.
All in all, not a bad way to spend 109 minutes, especially
if your other options include cleaning or spending time with your family - who
carelessly consume the precious seconds of your miserable life like some sort
of chrono-vultures as you inevitably trudge towards death; mum. I’m a 29 year
old man, I can eat dinner at my desk if I feel like it, you old witch.
Salma, if you're reading this, I have a queen bed, my own room and my mum hardly ever comes in without knocking.
I love you Salma, you sexy puta.
