Fools Rush In

Michael Palin has a cameo demonstrating his hispanic Gumby routine.

If anyone ever asked me, I would deny it with my dying breath, and call you a homo for suggesting it; but secretly, deep down in the dark places of my heart, I actually really like this movie. I need it, I want it. I crave it like Oedipus craves his momma’s saggers.

This is a movie that came out in 1997, at the very height of Matthew Perry fever (a condition that shared very few symptoms with Saturday Night Fever, which I understand was predominantly dancing badly and being greasy). It co-stars Salma Hayek as, wait for it, the fiery Hispanic woman.

This was Matthew Perry in his prime, still charming and handsome and with that new David Schwimmer smell; not the fat, rosy-cheeked Matthew Perry of today who looks like he’s about 3 drinks away from liver failure.

Matthew Perry plays Alex White-man, an accurate enough name, who is a real estate developer who just landed a job in Las Vegas building a new Casino. He meets Isabel Fuentes (Hayek) in the toilet line at a Mexican themed restaurant while waiting to pinch off a burrito or two. How romantic. So they have a one night stand and guess who ends up pregnant? Yep. Matthew Perry. From here on out it’s sort of like Junior, but less shit.

Actually Isabel gets knocked up and Alex decides to throw away the life he knows to marry that mocha goddess and live in Vegas, spending every day drinking, gambling and plowing a set of caramel double D’s. Fuck, what a hard decision that must have been. That’s like a toss-up between a cold, refreshing beer and a slap to the fuzzy beanbag.

Alex’s parents are pretty much racists, Isabel’s family consists entirely of maids and gardeners, and the fish-out-of-water style comedy carries of for what seems far too long. Yes, there are moments where a sensible chuckle is warranted, what with Perry’s foolish antics, but other times the comedy seems a little forced, which makes it about as funny as trying to run a mile with a pocket full of someone else’s piss.

Unusually, for a comedy, there are some pretty racy topics covered in what could easily be mistaken for unsubtle discrimination; such as Mexican/American relations, gaudy hacienda décor and the stupidity of white people. To be honest though most of the time I was just thinking about Salma Hayek’s taco.

All in all, not a bad way to spend 109 minutes, especially if your other options include cleaning or spending time with your family - who carelessly consume the precious seconds of your miserable life like some sort of chrono-vultures as you inevitably trudge towards death; mum. I’m a 29 year old man, I can eat dinner at my desk if I feel like it, you old witch.

Salma, if you're reading this, I have a queen bed, my own room and my mum hardly ever comes in without knocking.

I love you Salma, you sexy puta.