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| Your standard Sizzler dessert bar sanitation level. |
Did you ever have one of those movies that
you absolutely loved as a kid? You know the kind of quirky but funny film that
made you feel a deep sense of acceptance that your dad just wouldn’t give you?
Then when you grow up, you tell your
partner about it and how good it was and what it meant to you, and then they
want to watch it with you but it turns out it was actually awful and those
rose-tinted nostalgia glasses begin to crack in their frames, like your feelings
of self worth?
Neither have I, because the movies I loved
as a kid are still fucking excellent today.
Case in point, Gremlins 2 – The New Batch.
Gremlins was a cult hit. It was funny, dark
and mysterious, and a little bit sadistic. It was everything you wanted in a
Christmas movie; i.e. Corey Feldman. Then along comes Gremlins two, so
nonchalantly-avoiding-pigeon-holes that it just seemed an entirely different,
unrelated movie (you know, except for the gremlins and what not). Sure, it was
still dark, and terribly funny, and with a tinge of that mystery to boot; but
this movie took itself about as seriously as I take child support. It’s a god
damn riot.
Now
I know what you’re going to say next. “Without Corey Feldman, how can you – the
ravishingly handsome lord of sex that you are – possibly endorse this film?”
And that’s a hard question to avoid, on account of having just been asked it.
But let me answer your question with a question. “Do you need Corey Feldman
when you have Christopher Lee?” The answer to that is, of course, yes. Even a
movie with Corey Feldman needs more Corey Feldman. But if you can let that
simple oversight go then you’ll absolutely fall in love with this movie.
Seriously though, Christopher Lee.
If you ever get a chance to look at the
cast from the two Gremlins movies I think you'd be honestly surprised at how
many stars have had a cameo in this sadly short lived franchise. Jonathan Banks
and Dean Norris of Breaking Bad fame, John Astin, Henry Gibson, Robert Prosky
and Peter 'fucking Optimus Prime' Cullen.
So the plot is fairly predictable; Billy is
now older and working for a company called Clamp Industries in a self-running
building in New York City called Clamp Tower. Gizmo escapes after Mr. Wing dies
and ends up in Clamp tower were he gets wet and makes more Mogwai, who then
both get wet and eat after midnight, which is a classic mistake for exotic pet
owners. These ruffian-type Mogwai then become gremlins and proceed to fuck with
anything they can get their slimy, green hands on.
Seeing as the whole film takes place inside
one building, you’d be forgiven for thinking that it’s probably a bit dull and
predictable, but I can assure you that you’re an idiot, and probably anti-Semitic.
This building is home to a scientific research lab, a TV station, shops,
restaurants, a cinema and a toy store to name just a few. It’s basically where
I want to live.
The main characters from the first film
return with the same actors, which was a thing back then; unlike today where
the main character becomes Jeremy Renner halfway through the series. So we get
to see Billy, Kate (Phoebe Cates, who gave me so many confusing boners as a
kid, and who I would still marry right now), Murray and Sheila Futterman, and
of course Gizmo. We are also given the new character of Daniel Clamp who, along
with his contagious sense of optimism, has some of the funniest lines in the
movie.
There is absolutely no regard to the fourth
wall in this film. At one point the gremlins get into the projection booth at a
theatre and actually stop the movie as you're watching it, instead making
amusing shadow puppets on the screen before being threatened by Hulk Hogan who
rips his singlet in half in the middle of the cinema aisle. And you're like
"what the fuck just happened?" but the movies already back on so you
just have deal with it. And then they bust in on the set of Leonard Maltin's
movie reviews, while he's critiquing the first Gremlins movie, and proceed to
ruin his fucking day.
It's more tongue in cheek than even the
most chromosome encumbered child. I have not seen another movie quite so
ridiculous while still being good, clean, family friendly fun. You'll enjoy it.
You're kids will enjoy it. Even your mum will enjoy it, and not just because
I've heard she's very open minded.
Trust me on this.
