Gremlins 2: The New Batch

Your standard Sizzler dessert bar sanitation level.

Did you ever have one of those movies that you absolutely loved as a kid? You know the kind of quirky but funny film that made you feel a deep sense of acceptance that your dad just wouldn’t give you?

Then when you grow up, you tell your partner about it and how good it was and what it meant to you, and then they want to watch it with you but it turns out it was actually awful and those rose-tinted nostalgia glasses begin to crack in their frames, like your feelings of self worth?

Neither have I, because the movies I loved as a kid are still fucking excellent today.

Case in point, Gremlins 2 – The New Batch.

Gremlins was a cult hit. It was funny, dark and mysterious, and a little bit sadistic. It was everything you wanted in a Christmas movie; i.e. Corey Feldman. Then along comes Gremlins two, so nonchalantly-avoiding-pigeon-holes that it just seemed an entirely different, unrelated movie (you know, except for the gremlins and what not). Sure, it was still dark, and terribly funny, and with a tinge of that mystery to boot; but this movie took itself about as seriously as I take child support. It’s a god damn riot.

 Now I know what you’re going to say next. “Without Corey Feldman, how can you – the ravishingly handsome lord of sex that you are – possibly endorse this film?” And that’s a hard question to avoid, on account of having just been asked it. But let me answer your question with a question. “Do you need Corey Feldman when you have Christopher Lee?” The answer to that is, of course, yes. Even a movie with Corey Feldman needs more Corey Feldman. But if you can let that simple oversight go then you’ll absolutely fall in love with this movie. Seriously though, Christopher Lee.

If you ever get a chance to look at the cast from the two Gremlins movies I think you'd be honestly surprised at how many stars have had a cameo in this sadly short lived franchise. Jonathan Banks and Dean Norris of Breaking Bad fame, John Astin, Henry Gibson, Robert Prosky and Peter 'fucking Optimus Prime' Cullen.

So the plot is fairly predictable; Billy is now older and working for a company called Clamp Industries in a self-running building in New York City called Clamp Tower. Gizmo escapes after Mr. Wing dies and ends up in Clamp tower were he gets wet and makes more Mogwai, who then both get wet and eat after midnight, which is a classic mistake for exotic pet owners. These ruffian-type Mogwai then become gremlins and proceed to fuck with anything they can get their slimy, green hands on.

Seeing as the whole film takes place inside one building, you’d be forgiven for thinking that it’s probably a bit dull and predictable, but I can assure you that you’re an idiot, and probably anti-Semitic. This building is home to a scientific research lab, a TV station, shops, restaurants, a cinema and a toy store to name just a few. It’s basically where I want to live.

The main characters from the first film return with the same actors, which was a thing back then; unlike today where the main character becomes Jeremy Renner halfway through the series. So we get to see Billy, Kate (Phoebe Cates, who gave me so many confusing boners as a kid, and who I would still marry right now), Murray and Sheila Futterman, and of course Gizmo. We are also given the new character of Daniel Clamp who, along with his contagious sense of optimism, has some of the funniest lines in the movie.

There is absolutely no regard to the fourth wall in this film. At one point the gremlins get into the projection booth at a theatre and actually stop the movie as you're watching it, instead making amusing shadow puppets on the screen before being threatened by Hulk Hogan who rips his singlet in half in the middle of the cinema aisle. And you're like "what the fuck just happened?" but the movies already back on so you just have deal with it. And then they bust in on the set of Leonard Maltin's movie reviews, while he's critiquing the first Gremlins movie, and proceed to ruin his fucking day.

It's more tongue in cheek than even the most chromosome encumbered child. I have not seen another movie quite so ridiculous while still being good, clean, family friendly fun. You'll enjoy it. You're kids will enjoy it. Even your mum will enjoy it, and not just because I've heard she's very open minded.

Trust me on this.