Grease

I call this hairstyle 'Bea Arthur's pubes'.

I hate this movie, I really do.

It's not just the singing, or the dancing, or the thinly veiled racism either. It's that everyone seems to suck on its arse and praise it for being some sort of masterpiece of cinema when all it did was help launch John Travolta's career, as well as help bring musicals into the age of colour television. Neither, I think we can agree, are good things.

They love it because it came out in 1978, which was, I can only imagine, the prime of their youth. You know what else came out in 1978? Kevin Federline, the Jonestown massacre and the Star Wars Christmas special.

Check and mate, nostalgia.

So the movie opens with a horrible beach montage in which Danny (Travolts) changes costume about five times, just so you know he put in the hours to get some poon. No privilege here, he worked for that gash-dive, and by gods is he going to take it. Then it's all sad because they have to leave the beach and go their separate ways. Danny back to Rydell High in Whitesberg, California while Sandy must return home to Sydney, Australia because her visa has expired of something. I wasn't really paying attention at this point.

But - surprise, surprise - they end up both going to the same high school (which is surprisingly devoid of any ethnic people), because of course they do. Now we find out Danny is really a 'tough guy' greaser and Sandy is just a massive, abstinent prude. And they definitely need to tell their friends what they did over the summer break. This brings us to our first song of the movie 'Summer Nights', one of the dumbest, most misguided and naive songs of the movie. It consists of Danny signing about how macho he was to impress Sandy, while Sandy sings about how much of a little bitch Danny really was - with all his being nice, beachside tomfoolery and just general faggy behaviour right up inside that friendzone.

So they sing about splashing in the water, whether or not he has a vehicle and did she give hand jobs or whatnot. “Tell me more, tell me more. Did she put up a fight?” Jesus fucking Christ Kenickie. Do you just casually work rape into all your conversations? I mean, I know it's 1978, but still. Damn. We are like 15 minutes in and already he drops a bomb like aggravated sexual assault into the mix like he was asking if Danny got chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Keep an eye on this guy, ladies. He's a real go-getter.

Then the girls have a slumber party, no one gets their baps out to compare cup sizes or anything, it's all super lame. Then there are two more songs which just plain suck the hairs out of a nut-sack and then Kenickie gets a piece of shit car - presumably to make getting to, and fleeing from the scene of a rape easier. Which is exactly what he does with Rizzo, who seems like she's seen more pricks than a pub dartboard.

Then greased lightning occurs, which is what I call the turds I do after a quarter pounder meal. This isn't really relevant information, but then neither was that scene with a car you never see again, and sparkly jumpsuits on men clearly in their early thirties.

A lot of pointless shit seems to spread out from that scene, right up to the end of the movie that didn't seem to come soon enough. There is a dance contest, some man-bums are seen, there is a part at a drive in where a wiener gets stuffed into a bun that doesn't belong to Rizzo and everyone watching is like "wow, there's a first". Then Danny tries to sexually assault Sandy, and she runs away. Then he sings about it, and it's all fine because singing a 'sorry I tried to rape you' number makes the crime go away.

Oh, then Kenickie pussies out and Danny wins a race against some guy that looks like he had a chemical fire on his face, and then someone tried to put it out with a golf cleat - but, like, really badly.

This brings us to the finale, which is two songs back to back at a school carnival where the teachers are taking more creampies than even Rizzo could. Sandy shows up looking like Frank N. Furter's cheapest groupie while Danny looks like that jock from the Archie comics solely to impress Sandy, and then they sing about getting seizures or something. I can't really be certain because I was eating the carpet by this stage, and that isn't a euphemism. It's not like Rizzo was around anyway. Speaking of Rizzo, is it just me or does she look like Elizabeth Taylor with an afro? I guess it's all that 'product' in her hair.

Anyway, the gang sing about how they're always going to be friends and see each other (you know, that lie you write in everyone's yearbook at graduation and then never fulfil because you realise that you hated them any way and that everyone you went to high school with was a cunt to one degree or another) and then Danny and Sandy fly away in a car. Fly away. In a car.

What?

I'm going to choose to believe that Danny didn't win that drag race. In actuality he crashed the car, sustained severe head injuries, and that the last 20 minutes of the movie is just the vivid imaginings of a chemical-fuelled brain death as he slowly bleeds out in a crumpled 1948 Ford De Luxe. This explains why the last part doesn't make sense, and why Sandy is suddenly a hardcore greaser chick, and why Rizzo isn't getting ram-trained by the entire football team. Because everything in this final, confused delusion is perfect, and right in Danny's quickly dying mind, and you realise that he hasn't learnt any lessons at all from his experiences, and that he will die just as ignorant as he lived.

Shit, grease is fucking heavy, yo.

So, let's wrap up with some lessons we learned from this film:

• Rape is OK, as long as you apologise to no one in particular through song.
• You can never have enough grease in your hair.
• Guardian angels are sarcastic and cruel, and by all accounts lecherous.
• Sex with Rizzo must be like opening a window and trying to fuck the breeze.
• Marty is clearly the hottest, being both the sexiest and the dumbest (a winning combination).
• Danny dies at the end of the movie.
• Eugene went on to make millions, and then never took Sonny's calls to borrow some money.
• Sonny, homeless and drug-addled, kills himself years later. No one attends his funeral.