Son of the Mask

See you in your dreams, kids.

Somebody stop me. No, genuinely. Please.

Halloween is upon us, and much like a certain two letter brand candy coated chocolate I'm very much in demand. Well, that and I also simply melt in a child's mouth. But sexual deviancies aside, I thought it a fitting occasion to review the most awful, horrifying and downright most disturbing movie I have ever seen. Welcome to Son of the Mask; a movie so unfit for human viewing it's a mystery how it ever got made in the first place.

Remember 1994? That was a good time, right? Everyone was listing to Oasis and playing their brand new PlayStation. Princess Diana and Kurt Cobain were still alive, and everyone was talking about the funniest movie they'd ever seen - The Mask.

Well, they were wrong then, and they're still wrong now. The Mask was shit. It was Jim Carrey being regular old dickhead Jim Carrey, except this time he looked like the Hulk's younger brother with Down's Syndrome and a hyperactivity disorder. I think this was the start of my burning desire to sedate Jim Carrey until his heart stops, and I can beat his smug looking corpse with a meat tenderiser until there is bone fragments in his dying bowel movement. What's that Jim? You're banging a playboy model? Shame she's crazier than a bag of Vietnam vets. Hey Jenny, maybe vaccines gave your son autism, or maybe it's because you let him wear ugg boots and crocs in public. Maybe it was the way you went through dicks and blow in the 90's like Ebola through an African child. I'm half surprised that, unlike that African child, your orifices don't just randomly start leaking blood and other viscous bodily fluids - some of which might even be yours.

But that's neither here nor there. The point is that The Mask was somehow a massive box-office hit and so they decided to strike while the iron's hot and pump out a sequel... eleven years later... with none of the original cast... and make it about a baby.

I'll be honest, I fear this movie. I fear it like Tony Abbott fears Elton John's Yacht parties.

The film opens with Loki (played by the sexually ambiguous Alan Cumming, not the sexually ambiguous Tom Hiddleston) attempting to steal the mask from the Edge City museum, only to find that it's actually a fake. Then he pulls Ben Stein's face off. Like, off. No shit. What the fuck, movie? We then see the real mask wash ashore of the river in the not-so-nearby Fringe City, where it is retrieved by a dog and bought home to the stars of this film - Jamie Kennedy (as Tim) and that lesbian from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (as Tonya). So Tim is going to his boss' Halloween party but his costume got ruined, so he decides to take the mask his dog found and wear that. Can you guess what happens next? That's right, a completely unnecessary, overacted, obnoxious and overly long song and dance number where Tim (looking like a caricature of Conan O'Brien wearing an avocado face mask) proceeds to butcher Frankie Valli's "I Love You Baby" in 5 different, but no less terrible, musical styles. After the party Mask Tim decides to go home and plow his ridiculously hot wife and BOOM! Baby time.

Nine months later and the little bundle of shit is born and wouldn't you know it, he has 'mask powers', which appear to be predominantly inflating your own head and pulling weapons out of your arse. So then the baby tries to get Tim send to a mental hospital, and then tries to kill the dog, and then saves his dad from Loki who is trying to kill him and steal the mask and the baby. If any of that confused you, don't worry. The story is really not an important part of this movie.

The CGI is bad. I mean, super bad. For 2005 it looks unimaginably dumb. Remember when the unfinished copy of X-Men Origins leaked and it was hilarious because half the effects were unfinished and it looked like someone had spliced in a bunch of polaroids of Lego as a stop motion effect? Well, that was better than this fucking movie's CGI. And it's all utterly terrifying. Why does the baby inflate its own head like a balloon? Why does Mask Tim wear red lipstick? What the fuck does Loki turn into near the end? Some sort of paedophile's Swiss army knife/totem pole? What the fuck movie? Just, what the fuck? 1982's The Thing wasn't this nightmare inducing.

And now on to Jamie Kennedy. He is, as  always, about as funny as a room full of terminally ill children. Actually, considerably less so because I never once laughed at Jamie Kennedy when I thought about him. Here is a list of things funnier than Jamie Kennedy:

Literally anything.

That's kind of cheating, so I'll do another one:

Cross-eyed breast implants? Funnier.

Poverty? Funnier.

Crippling student debt? Funnier.

3rd world living conditions? Way funnier.

The holocaust? Yep, funnier.

The backfire from offensive drawings of the Prophet Muhammad? About as funny.

Anyway, the movie sucks, its horrifying imagery will mentally scar you for life, and your children are better of watching a snuff film in the long run. At least that would be a nice little segue into having a talk about why grandma doesn't come over for Christmas anymore.

Happy Halloween, kiddies. If you come trick or treating at my house this year and you can guess my costume then you'll get all the candy you can eat.

Hint: This year I'm Roman Polanksi.