Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion

Alan Cummings adjusting his wiener is a highlight.

Remember when Lisa Kudrow was funny? Neither do I. Lisa Kudrow, however, seems to think that Lisa Kudrow is some kind of comedic genius. I envy her that ignorance.

Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion is an absolute wank-hole of a movie. It came from that special time in the late 90’s when Hollywood thought everyone was either a 14 year old girl, or a 40 year old gay man, and proceeded to shit sparkles everywhere.

At its core it's a movie about two high school dropout friends who's pissed their life away for the last 10 years and now want to go to their high school  reunion and flat out lie to everyone to pretend they're successful. Like that hasn't been done before. I lied to everyone at my high school reunion - or at least I would have had I actually gone. But then I hated those cunts 10 years ago, and I doubt anything significant has changed. Incidentally, if you went to high school with me, give us a shout out in the comments. And then neck yourself, you cunt.

My life sucks and I drink to forget.

Carrying on, it's a movie about becoming an adult, about finding your way and place in the world and then being embarrassed about your shit job because every other bastard seems to be a lawyer, or a doctor, or gives really good hand-jobs in the disabled toilets at the KFC at Kings Langley, you know the one off Sunnyholt Road? It's also, to a lesser but no less poignant degree, a movie about making fun of the disabled and committing misdemeanours. What this is not a movie about, however, is high school. Which is great, because those movies only make the urge to drink bleach that much stronger. Oh, yeah, and there's the odd flashback of Alan Cummings trying awkwardly to hide his obvious boner under a pair of beige corduroys.

So they end up going to their reunion and pretend to be the people who created post-it notes, but that goes badly. Then Alan Cummings arrives in a fucking helicopter and still gets friend-zoned by these slappers.

For some reason Mira Sorvino still gives me awkward boners, despite me being a 30 year old man and her sounding like a feminine Ron Perlman. I mean, really, what the fuck is with this girls accent? It's like a retarded Jim Carrey crossed with the kind of Valley Girl who's using the rear view mirror of her convertible mini to try to pick the rapidly drying cum off her teeth from lunch. And that laugh, it's not unlike a donkey. It's almost enough to make me not want to paint her body with just my tongue. Almost.

And what's with Lisa Kurdow's head? Bitch looks like somebody fucked with the sliders on Skyrim's character creation screen and just figured 'fuck it, I'll role play as this hideous fucking shut-in'.

Janeane Garofalo is, despite having a name I need to continuously spell-check, very much a poster child for tumblr, aided by her almost constant pigeon-holing as a lesbian in movies, and probably real life. She looks like she smells like Portland, which is a heady mix of patchouli and plaid. I'd still throw her one, though, if I'm being honest. Hey, Janeane, call me.

You know what's funnier than this fucking movie? Off the top of my head, registering your best friend as a sex offender and then not telling them, removing the batteries from the smoke detectors in a nursing home, pooping in a cardboard box on your front lawn for no other reason that for the thrill of it.

As an added bonus here's something you may not have known about Romy and Michele's High School Reunion - if you watch the background around LA you'll see advertisements for both Red Apple cigarettes and Big Kahuna Burger, both fake brands used in Tarantino films.

The best part of this movie was it reminded me how good No Doubt used to be. Remember Tragic Kingdom? That album was awesome. Also, Gwen Stefani is looking killer for being 46. I'd still pay her take a shit on me.

Gun to my head, it's not actually that bad a movie. There are some good songs, funny lines and plenty of Mira Sorvino at which to ogle like a priest in a playground. Though watch out, because word is that both of them want to get together and make a sequel. May God have mercy on us all.

I give it 4 and a half Kudrows out of 10.