Machete

They fucked with the wrong Mexican.

Some look upon works of art for inspiration. Some gaze at the wonders man has erected throughout his time upon the earth. Some marvel at the inventions of science and medicine. Me? I just saw the true pinnacle of man’s achievement - Machete.

Anyone not familiar with Robert Rodriguez or his previous films might have no conceivable notion of what I am talking about, and I pity those people. So, for those shadowy husks of people out there, I will give you a brief explanation. In 2007, when Rodriguez was filming Planet Terror, he decided it would be fun to film a 3 minute trailer for a movie he wasn’t going to make. It was 3 minutes of pure sexplosions. And no, that isn’t a typo. This trailer ran before his segment in the double feature ‘Grindhouse’ which he did with Quentin Tarantino. Unexpectedly this trailer generated so much interest from fans around the world that it was decided that it would be turned into its own feature film. 

From the original trailer return Danny Trejo as Machete, Jeff Fahey as Booth and (unsurprisingly) Cheech Marin as Padre. New to the cast are Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, Daryl Sabara, the (ridiculously hot) Avellan sisters, Tom Savini, some naked girl that looks like Eva Mendez, Robert De Niro, fucking Steven Seagal and our old friend ‘front-man for Tito and the Tarantulas’ Tito Larriva. So, as you can see, it’s a pretty all star cast. Well, if you don’t count Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin and ‘front-man for Tito and the Tarantulas’ Tito Larriva.

The story is a rather simple one, so it won’t make your thinker-box hurt when you watch it. Your eyes may burn or expel man-sauce, but that’s all explained in the warning at the beginning of the film. Basically De Niro is a racist US Senator that blames the illegal Mexican border jumpers for all of America’s problems. His assistant (Fahey) is in cahoots with a cartel drug lord (Seagal) who funds the senator’s campaign in exchange for secure borders for smuggling. In order to secure more votes for the senator, his assistant plays the sympathy card by hiring Machete (Trejo) to attempt to assassinate him. He of course double crosses Machete, shoots him and then ‘wings’ the senator and frames Machete for the whole mess. Machete doesn’t exactly take kindly to this, and proceeds to kill half of the redneck population. And at the end Danny Trejo and Steven Seagal have a sword fight. A fucking sword fight. I was like "what the fuck is going on?" and the movie is all like "Bam! unnecessary fight scene!" and I'm all "OMFG!". That's pretty much how it went.

This film has everything we have come to expect from Robert Rodriguez’s work – guns, knives, explosions, stupid amounts of violence and some of the greatest one-liners ever. In keeping with the theme for the original trailer – which was a grindhouse, 70’s B-grade movie feel – the whole movie seems kind of grainy and pale, and the green-screened scenes are painfully obvious. The whole look and feel of the film is one of shit, but it works well in its favour. 

I had a boner the whole time while watching this movie, and that’s not just because we see Eva Mendez’s look-alike’s tits, Lindsay Lohan’s tits (while she makes an amateur porn film with her mother), Michelle Rodriguez in a leather bikini and Jessica Alba’s sideboob. Mostly it was because my eyes drank in the pure, undiluted testosterone and my brain just couldn’t comprehend its power. I just sat there, drooling onto my tented jeans, unable to blink for fear of missing even 300 milliseconds it would take.

If this movie were a person it would have punched its way out of its mother and drank a 5^th of scotch for breakfast. It would smoke cigars and wear aviators and look like Mickey Rourke. It would start fights in seedy bars for no reason. It would be a badass. End of story.

You know how when you see a guy like Boy George and you think “that’s just too much”? Well, you watch this movie and you just think “this movie is too fucking much, but I want more”. It is so over the top ridiculous that it shits in a bag and punches cars. It’s like what I imagine giving meth to a monkey might be like, if you then let that monkey loose in the produce section of a grocery store.This movie has everything you could ever want; except maybe some gay stuff like love and feelings and men without moustaches. It makes do with casual sex and bullets.

Then, as if that wasn't enough for even the most lumberjack of men, we are told there will be, not one, but two sequels: Machete Kills and Machete Kills Again. This isn't some subtle feminine shit. This is balls-in-your-face hardcore. This movie doesn't fuck around at all. I really love the genuine simplicity of Machete Kills. You know exactly what you are in for from the start. Awesome.

Final verdict: If I had to describe this film in two words they would be "moustached action". This movie rocked my balls off and then told me I wasn’t man enough to handle it. It bent me over and had me, and made me whimper like a little bitch. Then it banged my mum, drank tequila from a hooker’s belly button, grew a handlebar moustache and got a job in an abattoir. Even the burliest of men will walk out of that theatre needing ladies tampons and wanting to watch 'The Notebook'.

Drop whatever it is you are doing now and go and see Machete. If you happen to be nursing a baby then take it along with you. It could probably use a good dose of balls to the eyes instead of being fussed over all day.

Looking back, that probably wasn’t the best thing to say about babies. A bit too Roman Polanski.

P.S. If you’re reading this and you’re my mum, apart from being fit to burst with pride, you may be a bit miffed at that part where I said the movie had its way with you like you were some cheap floozy. I’m sorry about that mum, but I think even movies have standards.

Waterworld

Set sail for fail!

Costner's reaction after watching this film.

1995’s Waterworld was about as financially successful as it deserved to be, which was very little. It opened in cinemas to a public not yet ready for a vision of acting gone so wrong, and a plot so poorly thought through, and a movie so full of suck. It held the distinction of being Hollywood’s most expensive film ever made at the time of its production, costing $175 million. The total gross at the Box Office, however, was a mere $88 million, giving it the dubious honour of being Hollywood’s all time Box Office Bomb.
Speaking of which, what the hell is ‘the Box Office’? Is it some sort of office where they store and sell boxes?

It was directed by Kevin Reynolds who is, sadly, most famous for making this very film. There is also no surprise that it was produced by Costner himself. This really seems the kind of film that only got off the ground as some kind of drunken bet. Like the Kevins were sitting in a bar and one Kevin said to the other, “Hey, how bad a film do you think we can make and straight facedly get away with?” And the other Kevin replied, “I’ve got just the script.” And proceeded to write that script on the torn off lid of a pizza box.

This monumental piece of syphilis was written by 2 men, Peter Rader (who has never written anything the least bit good) and – more tragically – David Twohy (who has). I mean, this guy wrote Pitch Black, The Arrival and The Fugitive. These are all good movies. So what the fuck did he do when they were writing Waterworld? Did he do a ‘Ben Affleck’ and just lay on the couch and smoke weed all day while that other stooge wrote the whole sad, pathetic thing? Probably, at least I hope so. Because if he didn’t, and actually took part in the obviously unholy act of penning this steaming bag of piss, then I have no faith left in the world of men.

The script is so badly that it breaks the 4th wall and makes the movie seem not only shit, but stupid and shit. At one point Kevin Costner says, “Nothing’s free in Waterworld.” Who talks like that? And why would it be called Waterworld and not Earth still? I don’t say “Nothing is free in Earthworld” because I would sound like a dick. And that’s exactly how you sound Kevin. Like a dick. A dick with ears and a bad haircut. Nice job there script. Haven’t you ever heard of the suspension of disbelief?

Anyway, this movie sucked so much shit through a straw that it was nominated for 4 Golden Raspberry Awards, including Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Kevin Costner) and Worst Director. The final nomination resulted in a win with Dennis Hopper taking Worst Supporting Actor. He refused to accept the award.

The film opens with a shot of Kevin Costner pissing into a jar, and it might as well have stayed there for the next 136 minutes, because that’s an apt representation of the film as a whole. A jar of piss. Kevin Costner’s piss, served fresh. It really doesn’t get any better than this scene. Count this as a goddamn highlight. Next up we have bad acting, followed by piss-weak CGI that looks like it was made for YouTube, and a story so predictable you’d have thought it a bad case of déjà vu. I don’t think they needed Dennis Hopper in this one; Kevin Costner seemed to be able to sink this ship (figuratively speaking) on his own. He stars as a mutant fish-man in the future – stardate: the year 2500 – when the polar ice caps have melted flooding the entire earth in about 300 feet of water. Dirt is the most valuable thing in existence now, save for fresh water – which they annoyingly refer to as ‘hydro’ like it’s some fashionable cocktail metrosexual hipsters would drink. The whole film Costner wears ridiculously tight pants and has the worst case of ‘obvious comb-over’ ever caught on film when his hair gets wet, which in this movie is all the time.

Long story short: Dennis Hopper plays Deacon, a pirate lord who wears a fashionable eye patch while trying to find a little girl with a map on her back which leads to dry land. He leads a gang known as ‘smokers’ (because they smoke) and kills his way through any and all resistance with a lovable roguish charm. Costner plays a mermaid who sails around salvaging and selling junk to poor people and happens to help the previously mentioned little girl and her whorish foster parent escape Deacon’s smokers. He then tries to trade the little girl to a paedophile for some old paper and kills a sharkwhale with explosions. The end isn’t really important, so I’ll gloss over it and just say that is was shit. I am a poorer person for having watched this shit-tastic fuck-piss of a cock-fart. I’d rather watch the Holocaust filmed in the format of Candid Camera. If this movie were a person it would be Kevin Ferderline – both in keeping with the Kevin theme and also for generally being really shit in all measurable aspects.

Oh, and there is a cameo by Jack Black. He sits in the background of one scene throwing what appears to be trash at a wall. Well done Jack. A proud moment for you, no doubt.

The tagline for this film was “Beyond the horizon lies the secret to a new beginning” which I believe can safely and more accurately been changed to “Beyond a sea of shit lies the secret to a horrible movie”. I don’t have the words to tell you how bad this movie was. It’s not that I lack the necessary vocabulary. Perish the thought. It’s that words – in all their infinite majesty – cannot describe it to the degree I would describe as sufficient. These words, which I currently lack, have not even been thought into being yet. We, as humans, have never had the need to broach the subject of these words. Let’s just say that I would need to resurrect a dead tongue to spit them out for you to hear, and by dead tongue I mean a dead man’s tongue reanimated, not an old language.

Speaking of languages – Kevin Costner tells his bitch of a companion that he can speak “Portu-Greek”. I wouldn’t be surprised here if Kevin Costner thought that was a real language.

I would rather fuck an electrical socket than watch this movie again. I saw it when it first came out 15 years ago and it hasn’t aged well. Some movies, like Saving Private Ryan (1998), mature much like a fine wine – very well. This movie, however, has aged about as well as Keith Richard’s face.

Ok Kevin Costner, so you made a bad movie, now what? How about follow it up with one that is equally rubbish? Oh, you did? It’s called The Postman? Fantastic. I hope you die poor and in a gutter somewhere, you smug sack of shit.

I can’t believe I just sat through that. This movie was utter piss. I feel like I need a tetanus shot or something.

Double Dragon

This film needs less Scott Wolf.

This video game to movie adaptation from 1994 was born from the joining of divine inspiration and incomprehensible genius, by which I mean ‘it sucks more dick that Elton John would in George Michael’s bathroom at a New Year’s Eve party’. If I was this movie’s mum I’d be so disappointed.

Directed by an absolute imbecile named James Yukich, who has - before and since - only ever directed live concerts for TV, it was spat straight out on VHS in a time when going straight to tape was something only porno films did. So obviously this over-qualified artist was the right man for the job.

This movie sees the untalented and rather homely Scott Wolf as Billy Lee, twin brother of Jimmy Lee (played by Mark Dacascos). They are martial artists who are prophesised about in the legend of the Double Dragon.  The role of the main villain is filled by Robert Patrick. Robert, having portrayed the T-1000 only three years previous, decided to channel that menacing bad guy persona that served him so well in the past. He plays Kogo Shuka, a dickhead with a stupid name and an appearance that can only be described as Vanilla Ice with a goatee and worse dress sense. Words, no matter how mocking or scornful, cannot do justice to the ludicrousy of this dude’s looks. It’s just that bad. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

They also cast Alyssa Milano as Marian, mostly as an excuse to check out here arse for 6 weeks during filming, I’m pretty sure. They certainly didn’t hire her for her talent or personality. Then again I don’t think they hired anyone in this movie for their talent. And as if having Scott Wolf wasn’t bad enough we get a cameo by Andy Dick, the least funny man in all of television. Julia Nickson stars as the-terribly-thought-out-Asian-name Lotus Flower, who is something of a caretaker to the two boys. Julia also seems to be the only Asian in all of Hollywood able to play the female support role in a terrible martial arts B-movie. I’m almost surprised they didn’t also cast Pat Morita or Mako just to show how serious about Kung-Fu this movie is. Which is very little.

As I look this movie up on IMDB I realize that the entire cast of this movie are people you wouldn’t invite to your mum’s Sunday barbeque. One thing I find almost laughable is that this phenomenal piece of shit actually took four writers to produce. Four fucking writers. Four. That is four more that they needed. The incredible lack of skill of these 4 morons is somehow compounded until it’s so dense you’d think it belonged to Steven Seagal. Really Hollywood, you are giving the task of writing a video game adaptation to FOUR FUCKING PEOPLE? Might I remind you that the story was already written in 1987? What the hell where these four assholes doing then? That’s like giving a packet of crayons to a class full of retarded kids and expecting not to end up with some paper smeared with shit and glitter and a drawing of a dog that looks like it’s in serious need of being taken out the back and shot. It’s so bad it is beyond being funny.

If I had any part in the making of this film I would have killed myself from the dishonour long ago. At one point they actually kick an old Double Dragon arcade machine and break it, and I find that scene pretty much sums up the whole movie rather aptly. What they did here was kill fond memories and the dreams of the young.

This movie makes House Party look like Schindler’s List. They actually named the two evil Asian henchmen ‘Huey’ and ‘Lewis’. This is thankfully only taken advantage of once in the whole film when the Liquid Metal Man asks “Huey, Lewis. What’s the news?” This is just to show you the kind of dialogue we are dealing with here. There is also a femme fatale who carries around a leather whip as her weapon of choice. So can you guess what they named her? Linda Lash. Yep, you can see the thought process for that one. Pure genius.

This movie is a huge shit sandwich sprinkled with false hope and a cheap video game tie in. Besides, anyone who has ever played Double Dragon can tell you that Billy should have blonde hair and that the brothers are twins. How the fuck, then, can Billy be white and Jimmy be Asian? I swear by the end of it all I wanted to do was punch Scott Wolf right in his smug, stupid face.

The fashion of this movie will make your eyes bleed; it’s so horribly 90’s. This is amusing because the movie is set in New Angeles, 2007. This movie was set 3 years ago, and everyone looked like they just stepped out of an episode of Saved by the Bell. There is one scene near the end where the brothers actually appear in their signature outfits, except they look like gay Kung-Fu rhinestone wearing clones of Seigfreid and Roy, only gayer. The script is poorly written and the one-liners contain more cheese than your average American’s diet. It fills me with an intense feeling of disgust, mixed with just a pinch of shame, to have watched it in it's entirety. Given the choice I’d rather munch on a bowl of dicks than sit through it again.

This movie sucks so hard I’m surprised Bill Clinton didn’t hire it for secretarial work. It’s like watching your own baby slowly choke to death on the other side of an unbreakable window. Sure, there are some laughs, but mostly it’s painful to watch its pathetic struggles and you feel somehow numb and empty by the end of it.

The final verdict: this movie deserves to die from AIDS and fire.

And AIDS that are on fire, or maybe fire that has AIDS, somehow.