Machete

They fucked with the wrong Mexican.

Some look upon works of art for inspiration. Some gaze at the wonders man has erected throughout his time upon the earth. Some marvel at the inventions of science and medicine. Me? I just saw the true pinnacle of man’s achievement - Machete.

Anyone not familiar with Robert Rodriguez or his previous films might have no conceivable notion of what I am talking about, and I pity those people. So, for those shadowy husks of people out there, I will give you a brief explanation. In 2007, when Rodriguez was filming Planet Terror, he decided it would be fun to film a 3 minute trailer for a movie he wasn’t going to make. It was 3 minutes of pure sexplosions. And no, that isn’t a typo. This trailer ran before his segment in the double feature ‘Grindhouse’ which he did with Quentin Tarantino. Unexpectedly this trailer generated so much interest from fans around the world that it was decided that it would be turned into its own feature film. 

From the original trailer return Danny Trejo as Machete, Jeff Fahey as Booth and (unsurprisingly) Cheech Marin as Padre. New to the cast are Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, Daryl Sabara, the (ridiculously hot) Avellan sisters, Tom Savini, some naked girl that looks like Eva Mendez, Robert De Niro, fucking Steven Seagal and our old friend ‘front-man for Tito and the Tarantulas’ Tito Larriva. So, as you can see, it’s a pretty all star cast. Well, if you don’t count Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin and ‘front-man for Tito and the Tarantulas’ Tito Larriva.

The story is a rather simple one, so it won’t make your thinker-box hurt when you watch it. Your eyes may burn or expel man-sauce, but that’s all explained in the warning at the beginning of the film. Basically De Niro is a racist US Senator that blames the illegal Mexican border jumpers for all of America’s problems. His assistant (Fahey) is in cahoots with a cartel drug lord (Seagal) who funds the senator’s campaign in exchange for secure borders for smuggling. In order to secure more votes for the senator, his assistant plays the sympathy card by hiring Machete (Trejo) to attempt to assassinate him. He of course double crosses Machete, shoots him and then ‘wings’ the senator and frames Machete for the whole mess. Machete doesn’t exactly take kindly to this, and proceeds to kill half of the redneck population. And at the end Danny Trejo and Steven Seagal have a sword fight. A fucking sword fight. I was like "what the fuck is going on?" and the movie is all like "Bam! unnecessary fight scene!" and I'm all "OMFG!". That's pretty much how it went.

This film has everything we have come to expect from Robert Rodriguez’s work – guns, knives, explosions, stupid amounts of violence and some of the greatest one-liners ever. In keeping with the theme for the original trailer – which was a grindhouse, 70’s B-grade movie feel – the whole movie seems kind of grainy and pale, and the green-screened scenes are painfully obvious. The whole look and feel of the film is one of shit, but it works well in its favour. 

I had a boner the whole time while watching this movie, and that’s not just because we see Eva Mendez’s look-alike’s tits, Lindsay Lohan’s tits (while she makes an amateur porn film with her mother), Michelle Rodriguez in a leather bikini and Jessica Alba’s sideboob. Mostly it was because my eyes drank in the pure, undiluted testosterone and my brain just couldn’t comprehend its power. I just sat there, drooling onto my tented jeans, unable to blink for fear of missing even 300 milliseconds it would take.

If this movie were a person it would have punched its way out of its mother and drank a 5^th of scotch for breakfast. It would smoke cigars and wear aviators and look like Mickey Rourke. It would start fights in seedy bars for no reason. It would be a badass. End of story.

You know how when you see a guy like Boy George and you think “that’s just too much”? Well, you watch this movie and you just think “this movie is too fucking much, but I want more”. It is so over the top ridiculous that it shits in a bag and punches cars. It’s like what I imagine giving meth to a monkey might be like, if you then let that monkey loose in the produce section of a grocery store.This movie has everything you could ever want; except maybe some gay stuff like love and feelings and men without moustaches. It makes do with casual sex and bullets.

Then, as if that wasn't enough for even the most lumberjack of men, we are told there will be, not one, but two sequels: Machete Kills and Machete Kills Again. This isn't some subtle feminine shit. This is balls-in-your-face hardcore. This movie doesn't fuck around at all. I really love the genuine simplicity of Machete Kills. You know exactly what you are in for from the start. Awesome.

Final verdict: If I had to describe this film in two words they would be "moustached action". This movie rocked my balls off and then told me I wasn’t man enough to handle it. It bent me over and had me, and made me whimper like a little bitch. Then it banged my mum, drank tequila from a hooker’s belly button, grew a handlebar moustache and got a job in an abattoir. Even the burliest of men will walk out of that theatre needing ladies tampons and wanting to watch 'The Notebook'.

Drop whatever it is you are doing now and go and see Machete. If you happen to be nursing a baby then take it along with you. It could probably use a good dose of balls to the eyes instead of being fussed over all day.

Looking back, that probably wasn’t the best thing to say about babies. A bit too Roman Polanski.

P.S. If you’re reading this and you’re my mum, apart from being fit to burst with pride, you may be a bit miffed at that part where I said the movie had its way with you like you were some cheap floozy. I’m sorry about that mum, but I think even movies have standards.