Waterworld

Set sail for fail!

Costner's reaction after watching this film.

1995’s Waterworld was about as financially successful as it deserved to be, which was very little. It opened in cinemas to a public not yet ready for a vision of acting gone so wrong, and a plot so poorly thought through, and a movie so full of suck. It held the distinction of being Hollywood’s most expensive film ever made at the time of its production, costing $175 million. The total gross at the Box Office, however, was a mere $88 million, giving it the dubious honour of being Hollywood’s all time Box Office Bomb.
Speaking of which, what the hell is ‘the Box Office’? Is it some sort of office where they store and sell boxes?

It was directed by Kevin Reynolds who is, sadly, most famous for making this very film. There is also no surprise that it was produced by Costner himself. This really seems the kind of film that only got off the ground as some kind of drunken bet. Like the Kevins were sitting in a bar and one Kevin said to the other, “Hey, how bad a film do you think we can make and straight facedly get away with?” And the other Kevin replied, “I’ve got just the script.” And proceeded to write that script on the torn off lid of a pizza box.

This monumental piece of syphilis was written by 2 men, Peter Rader (who has never written anything the least bit good) and – more tragically – David Twohy (who has). I mean, this guy wrote Pitch Black, The Arrival and The Fugitive. These are all good movies. So what the fuck did he do when they were writing Waterworld? Did he do a ‘Ben Affleck’ and just lay on the couch and smoke weed all day while that other stooge wrote the whole sad, pathetic thing? Probably, at least I hope so. Because if he didn’t, and actually took part in the obviously unholy act of penning this steaming bag of piss, then I have no faith left in the world of men.

The script is so badly that it breaks the 4th wall and makes the movie seem not only shit, but stupid and shit. At one point Kevin Costner says, “Nothing’s free in Waterworld.” Who talks like that? And why would it be called Waterworld and not Earth still? I don’t say “Nothing is free in Earthworld” because I would sound like a dick. And that’s exactly how you sound Kevin. Like a dick. A dick with ears and a bad haircut. Nice job there script. Haven’t you ever heard of the suspension of disbelief?

Anyway, this movie sucked so much shit through a straw that it was nominated for 4 Golden Raspberry Awards, including Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Kevin Costner) and Worst Director. The final nomination resulted in a win with Dennis Hopper taking Worst Supporting Actor. He refused to accept the award.

The film opens with a shot of Kevin Costner pissing into a jar, and it might as well have stayed there for the next 136 minutes, because that’s an apt representation of the film as a whole. A jar of piss. Kevin Costner’s piss, served fresh. It really doesn’t get any better than this scene. Count this as a goddamn highlight. Next up we have bad acting, followed by piss-weak CGI that looks like it was made for YouTube, and a story so predictable you’d have thought it a bad case of déjà vu. I don’t think they needed Dennis Hopper in this one; Kevin Costner seemed to be able to sink this ship (figuratively speaking) on his own. He stars as a mutant fish-man in the future – stardate: the year 2500 – when the polar ice caps have melted flooding the entire earth in about 300 feet of water. Dirt is the most valuable thing in existence now, save for fresh water – which they annoyingly refer to as ‘hydro’ like it’s some fashionable cocktail metrosexual hipsters would drink. The whole film Costner wears ridiculously tight pants and has the worst case of ‘obvious comb-over’ ever caught on film when his hair gets wet, which in this movie is all the time.

Long story short: Dennis Hopper plays Deacon, a pirate lord who wears a fashionable eye patch while trying to find a little girl with a map on her back which leads to dry land. He leads a gang known as ‘smokers’ (because they smoke) and kills his way through any and all resistance with a lovable roguish charm. Costner plays a mermaid who sails around salvaging and selling junk to poor people and happens to help the previously mentioned little girl and her whorish foster parent escape Deacon’s smokers. He then tries to trade the little girl to a paedophile for some old paper and kills a sharkwhale with explosions. The end isn’t really important, so I’ll gloss over it and just say that is was shit. I am a poorer person for having watched this shit-tastic fuck-piss of a cock-fart. I’d rather watch the Holocaust filmed in the format of Candid Camera. If this movie were a person it would be Kevin Ferderline – both in keeping with the Kevin theme and also for generally being really shit in all measurable aspects.

Oh, and there is a cameo by Jack Black. He sits in the background of one scene throwing what appears to be trash at a wall. Well done Jack. A proud moment for you, no doubt.

The tagline for this film was “Beyond the horizon lies the secret to a new beginning” which I believe can safely and more accurately been changed to “Beyond a sea of shit lies the secret to a horrible movie”. I don’t have the words to tell you how bad this movie was. It’s not that I lack the necessary vocabulary. Perish the thought. It’s that words – in all their infinite majesty – cannot describe it to the degree I would describe as sufficient. These words, which I currently lack, have not even been thought into being yet. We, as humans, have never had the need to broach the subject of these words. Let’s just say that I would need to resurrect a dead tongue to spit them out for you to hear, and by dead tongue I mean a dead man’s tongue reanimated, not an old language.

Speaking of languages – Kevin Costner tells his bitch of a companion that he can speak “Portu-Greek”. I wouldn’t be surprised here if Kevin Costner thought that was a real language.

I would rather fuck an electrical socket than watch this movie again. I saw it when it first came out 15 years ago and it hasn’t aged well. Some movies, like Saving Private Ryan (1998), mature much like a fine wine – very well. This movie, however, has aged about as well as Keith Richard’s face.

Ok Kevin Costner, so you made a bad movie, now what? How about follow it up with one that is equally rubbish? Oh, you did? It’s called The Postman? Fantastic. I hope you die poor and in a gutter somewhere, you smug sack of shit.

I can’t believe I just sat through that. This movie was utter piss. I feel like I need a tetanus shot or something.