The Sound Of Music

Oh my god this movie is so gay.

 Skipping: the most effective way to flee Nazis.

It's so gay that it gets invited to Elton John’s birthday parties. It’s so gay that if Clay Aiken saw this movie he would be say, “Man, this movie is really gay”. I got about 20 minutes in before I wanted to go moisturise and put on some cherry flavoured lip gloss. Seriously, this is a painful film to sit through. The Von Trapp family singers? More like the Von Crapp family singers, am I right? I’ve never seen a bunch of kids I’d like to strangle more

The Sound of Music is a movie based upon actual events (though seemingly to have taken poetic licensing to the extreme) about a former naval officer, his 7 billion kids and their mentally unstable nanny. And while this concoction would normally taste pretty good (involving World War II and Nazi Germany), it decided to be a musical – which is not unlike your daughter deciding she’s a vegan now and that meat is murder, Dad. In short, this movie is about as much fun as a bag of dicks.

What sane person would willingly sit through this film? And it’s not as if it was short. This piece of shit runs for 3 fucking hours. I could have learned Sanskrit in the time it took to watch this utter piss-storm. And what’s with all the singing? I know you’re a musical, movie, but do you really need to sing about everything? You’re about as excitable as an incredibly stupid puppy.

Oh, and I may have failed advanced physics but I’m pretty sure sunlight doesn’t come in ‘drops’, you raving cretin. Did you take science lessons from Sarah Palin?

If I have one gripe with this movie (which I don’t, it’s a lot more than one) it’s this; if the geological structures upon which you are standing begin to come alive your first reaction should not be to sing about it. I mean, if a mountain becomes suddenly animate you should probably run like a black man from a paternity test result, not write fanciful lyrics. Shit woman, a fucking hill has spontaneously come to life and for all you know is planning to eat your stupid arse and all you can think to do is gleefully prance about and inform the audience through song. No survival instincts whatsoever.

Another thing I don’t like about this movie was its ability to turn the entire Nazi movement into a punch of nancy woofters. Nazi’s don’t like to sit around and listen to songs about jam and bread and certainly not love songs. This movie seems to think SS meant Super Sassy. I know this movie was based very, very loosely around actual events, but you’d think they’d portray it more accurately. I mean, they make the Nazis out to be the bad guys.

And since when are nuns certified mechanics? I’ve never met a nun who could find the wheels on a car, let alone remove the starter solenoid from a 1939 Steyr 220 kabriolet in 4 minutes. With no tools. At night. All I can say is that if you are going to break down in Austria, break down near a convent. (This may be slightly influenced by the fact that I've never met a nun, period.)

This movie hurt my soul. After watching it all I wanted to do was read Danielle Steel and think that my clothes made me look fat. Then I had a woman’s period. The experience was... unpleasant. The only reason a man should ever watch this film is if he is going to get some serious poontang afterward, and even then it’s probably not worth it.

Avoid this movie like you’d avoid borrowing money from a Jew.

(Oh, and last I checked, organic earthen formations don't sing.)

And now, because I have an undeniable urge to; I will list my most enjoyed activities in lyrical form:

Movies with Sta-llone and milk with mint slices,
Gambling, drinking and other such vices.
Lurking on 4chan and Googling Bing,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Fuck you, movie. Fuck you. 

P.S. If I have offended any minority by leaving you out, I'm deeply sorry, and you are probably well shit anyway.