The A-Team

Posing... a threat, bitches.

This movie is like Pamela Anderson’s vagina, it’s absolutely action packed. Plus it’s got four actors in it at the same time, and you wouldn’t show it to your grandma.

That comparison worked out better than expected.

I’m not new to the ‘A-scene’ as I like to call it now. I’ve seen a few episodes in my time, and you know what? They’re good. They aren’t about to win any Tony Awards, and the plot gets a bit repetitive, but who cares. They have a formula that works; can you blame them for sticking with it? Women don’t seem to tire of my Johnson, even though I always use the same one. You see what I’m getting at here.

The casting agent for this movie was a genius. Liam Neeson is a god, as always, Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson actually plays the part of B.A. Baracus pretty well, Bradley Cooper is an oiled up sex machine and Sharlto Copley (of District 9 fame) has a surprising range of accents. Oh, and Jessica Biel is in it, and if you can’t appreciate that, then you may be of homosexual orientation, you squealing nancy. 

There are a few little things that make this movie that little bit tastier, if you manage to pick up on them. For example, in one scene they are watching a movie and the original A-team music starts playing. There are also many references to the original cast (name tags on uniforms and such) as well as roles they played outside the series. Oh, and the van is there, and she is beautiful.

This movie is also a goldmine for great quotes. I won’t give away too many, but I think you need to hear these. Really, just try to visualise this exchange.

Baracus: Why we in a fallin' tank?
Murdock: Because the plane exploded!
Baracus: What, when?
 Murdock: Recently.

Yeah, it is just that good.

This is the kind of film that is just enhanced by a beer or two. In fact, I think it scales proportionately with the amount of alcohol imbibed. Ah, the great mysteries of the universe. I would be happy to put my seal of approval on The A-team. I went in wary, and came out enriched, and with a new appreciation for fine Cuban cigars and loose interpretations of military regulations. 

This film is admittedly one for the boys, but if you grew up loving the TV series then I’d say give it a go. It’s so manly that the opening credits have been reported to induce orgasms in 8 out of 10 women, and 2 out of 10 men, who then became heterosexual at the mere sight of Liam Neeson and made babies with those women for like 6 hours.

I’d very strongly recommend seeing this with a friend and a 6 pack of your favourites for maximum enjoyment. To be taken with or without food. If homoerotic behaviour persists, consult your therapist.

I give it 8.5 spontaneous boners out of 10.