RoboCop

Dead or alive, you're
coming with Robo Ed Harris.

RoboCop - It’s a franchise we all know, even if you've never seen of the films or television series before. It’s a name that's synonymous with 80’s action and super badass law enforcement. Even kids these day (who seem to know nothing about everything, the scum) know who RoboCop is, and if they don’t... well... they bloody well should. He was an icon for good and justice and robot operated judicial systems. As the tagline says; “Part man, part machine, all cop.”

The first film of the series came out in 1987, and was given the (well deserved) R-18+ rating for excessive amounts of awesomeness. This means that, in theory, I should have first seen this movie in the tail end of 2003, but as my parents were horrible at their job of parenting I first watched this testament to film in about 1992, at the well prepared age of 6. Imagine, if you can, me – a tender, innocent boy of just 6 – subjected to the concentrated values of ‘Radical’ that this movie has in voluminous supply... Suffice to say my small, un-descended testicles dropped like a sack of bricks and instantly grew so much hair that they looked like Robin Williams’ knuckles. That was the day, nay – the very moment, I became a man.

But enough about my balls (details of which are available on DVD and Video Cassette for a mere $14.99), and more about cyborgs in a policing capacity.

This movie was, and still is, one of the most violent films I saw in my youth. Even today it still does reasonably well in the unnecessary violence category. Who has ever forgotten that opening scene where Murphy (later RoboCop) is literally blown limb from limb by Red Forman from That 70’s Show? Who wasn’t amazed by the claymation antics of ED-209 spazzing out and falling down the stairs? And why is that white guy named Miguel Ferrer? He’s clearly not Hispanic... I mean, he’s employed and not asleep in a big hat or anything.
What is not to love about this movie? Let’s go down my check-list of things a movie should have: A robot – check. Who fights crime – check. Many explosions – check. A black police chief with a luscious moustache – check mate. Instant classic.

RoboCop... RoboCop... Let’s just break that down into its component words for a minute. ‘Robo’ and ‘Cop’. When you put them together they spell deadly justice and power. Separate, like that, they just seem ridiculous. Can you imagine a studio today green lighting a project called RoboCop? No, they’d be like “Are you retarded? That sounds stupid and a lot like something a seven year old would draw in the back of his maths book. You’re fired. Also, I banged your wife.” A hero with that name these days would just sound like an idiot, but because it is immortalised in our minds as the incredible story that it was, we seem to over look the ridiculousness of it.

The story goes... Wait, why am I attempting to explain the plot to RoboCop? That’s like me trying to explain the plot of the Bible; everyone knows what’s going to happen, and if you don’t then you’re clearly a bad person and you should feel bad about that. Actually, that’s a pretty solid comparison. Murphy, much like the Jesus, died for our sins, and then was resurrected as a super badass bad-guy killing machine. To fight crime. In the not too distant space future. Well, at least one of those two people lived up to my expectations, and his name wasn’t Jesus. If Matthew, Mark, John and... Ringo... had written about Jesus becoming a crime fighting robot, well; let’s just say I would have paid a lot more attention in Sunday school.

RoboCop was a film that became a franchise. It is a timeless and important piece of our history. It is a testament to the ‘power’ craze of the 1980’s. It juts up proud above the ruins of mediocrity like an enormous penis, spurting hot gouts of flaming excellence off into the night. It’s excess in the extreme, and about as ludicrous as Ian McKellen in a clown suit, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.