Highlander

Runner-Up: 1986 Big Head Competition - behind Ted Danson.

1986 was an important year for Gay Rights. New Zealand equalized the age of consent for homosexual relationships. New York City passes its first anti-discrimination bill. C. Everett Koop, Surgeon General of the United States, publishes the first government publications for the public on gay safe sex practices in the battle against AIDS. And one film dares to ask the question, “Are you a faggot, Nash?”

Highlander is arguably the best thing ever made, ever. By anyone. And by arguably I mean definitely. I’d compare it to being in a Tijuana whore-house with US$8 in your pocket. It makes “First Blood” look like “Weekend at Bernie’s”. It makes Kirsten Dunst look like Tommy Lee Jones’ neck. Let’s just say that I like it, and leave it at that.

The story goes that at some point in the 1600’s or something, Connor McLeod (played by Christopher Lambert) is fatally wounded in a battle with some dirt men but, much to everyone’s surprise, he makes a full recovery just in time for dinner. His people claim he is possessed by the devil and he is exiled, to live in some castle with a hot girl with big bosoms. What a rough hand to be dealt. Immortal and living in a castle with some girl you could, in all likelihood, bend over your knee and milk. Rough. Then along comes Ramirez (Sean Connery) to tell him all about how he is an immortal and has a whole stack of awesome super powers (chief among them being unable to die). Ramirez teaches McLeod all he’d need to know in preparation for the Quickening – a time when all immortals will feel a strong pull to a far away land to fight one another, to the last (and a sweet sound track), for the ultimate prize. (Hint: the prize is mortality)

What kind of bullshit prize is that? Mortality. I’ve got it and I don’t even want it. That’s like offering a man with 20-20 vision partial blindness. I’d fight NOT to get the prize. It’s like some crappy ‘participation award’ your kid gets at school because we don’t want them to know they’re really not good at something. “Oh no, that kid has feelings, but can’t run 100 metres to save himself from a sexual predator, whatever shall we do?” Participation award (and probably a stern bumming from said predator).

You have to admire the casting director’s enthusiasm here. You’ve got a Frenchman playing a Scot, a Scotsman playing a Spaniard, Clancy Brown as the villain and the WHOLE GOD DAMN SOUNDTRACK IS QUEEN. Holy shit! I don’t even care if the studio had no idea what ‘a nationality’ was, that shit is a minor detail. Amazingly this is Christopher Lambert’s first major Hollywood role, and he does quite well considering he is cast opposite Sean Connery. This guy’s voice can open more legs than a clearance sale on spreader-bars. It’s like honey poured over Rohypnol.

So if the movie hasn’t yet frazzled your dangly bits, get ready for some face-rocking-off...ing. It’s about burly men who travel around cutting each other’s heads off. That’s it. Oh, and there are Nazi’s. What more could you want? A sweet scene with lightning making cars explodes? That’s thrown in at no extra charge. This single greatest experience you can have without a bucket of grease and a fresh corpse.

What’s that? You’re complaining about spoilers? You haven’t seen the best movie ever made in the 25 fucking years it’s been out? What are you doing with your life? Because you sure as shit ain’t living it. Watch it. Watch it twice. Get it tattooed to your butt. Give small kids real sword and get them to re-enact the movie scene for scene.

On second thought, you probably shouldn’t. At least until you sign a waiver stating it was totally your idea and had nothing to do with my suggesting it. In text. On the internet.

I just thank God that they never made any sequels, TV cartoon spin-offs, animes, videogames or comics that would have ruined the greatness of this timeless classic. Nope, none whatsoever. Also, I couldn’t find a place in this review to make fun of Christopher Lambert’s accent. Oh well, next time.