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| Tom Arnold - in what should really be standard naval dress uniform. |
Ok, if you listed puppies, friendship, cute dresses, Jennifer Aniston and that poof from The Notebook, then you’re clearly either a girl or Julian Clary, because that shit sucks my balls. However, if you answered with Tom Arnold, Bruce Campbell, Tim Curry, war boats and movies from 1997, then you answered correctly, and have probably already seen the movie I’m about to talk about. Because you’re probably a pretty cool guy, like Tom Selleck. Only without the short shorts.
Is it just me, or does the thought of Magnum P.I’s crotch give everyone nightmares? It looks as if someone has tried, unsuccessfully, to tie down a bale of steel wool with a couple of tea-towels tied together. It’s just a bulging mass of black, wiry despair.
Wow, we are getting really off track here.
McHale’s Navy came to my TV on VHS and delighted the hell out of my (admittedly easily entertained) thirteen year old brain. It was funny, and not particularly clever, as well as being relatively well stocked in the explosions department, so it was enjoyed by my whole family too. Looking back now I get a lot more of the jokes than I did when I was younger, so it’s worth a watch even if you are well into your spinster years by now. After all, momma’s gotta watch her stories.
The movie, funnily enough, shares a few key themes with the 1962 television series of the same name. Unfortunately one of those things is Ernest Borgnine. I’m pretty sure this guy is dead and is being cleverly animated by a series of ropes and pulleys, and maybe a couple of pipe-cleaners. Not unlike the actual events that inspired a heart-moving movie called “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Other similarities include the plot and probably the number of DVDs sold.
The story revolves around Quinton McHale, a retired Lieutenant Commander in the US Navy, who spends his retirement brewing beer, distributing contraban and generally being a dick on the small island nation of San Moreno (which appears to be somewhere near Cuba and is not to be mistaken for the actual Republic of San Moreno). Then his quiet world is turned upside down when his old nemesis, Vladikov – the second best terrorist in the world, moves in and begins to take over the island to build a nuclear missile silo. This doesn’t sit well with old McHale, mostly because it’s bad for business, so he puts together his old crew and tries to send Vlad back where he came from.
It has pretty much everything you could ask for in a bad 90’s comedy. There are bar fights in Cuba, motorbikes that pop out of PT boats, pigs that like cable car rides and bad Russian accents aplenty. They even show Tim Curry’s arse, and it has a tattoo on it of Tom Arnold’s face. I’m not even lying about that. It’s a real thing. And Tim Curry’s all pissed about it because he, unlike most of us – I hope - doesn’t seem to think that a tattoo of Tom Arnold’s smiling face on your butt is a cool thing. Hell, it’s was cooler than the Dennis Rodman tattoo I have on my arse. Fuck you Dennis Rodman, and fuck those 2 movies you were in. Double Team was a piece of shit.
Anyway, there is a bit more to this movie. Actually I only really described the first 20 minutes. But I’ll leave the rest for you to discover on your own, so you can feel clever. Lets just say there are quite a fair number of shenanigans, much tom-foolery and the occasional hijinks and leave it at that.
And, in the rather unlikely event that this film needs more selling points, did I mention that his crew contains Bruce Campbell? Yes, The Chin himself. There is also the rainbow tolerance coalition with the token black guy, the asian guy, the dumb white guy and a few hispanics just to balance it out into a consistant shade. Oh, and French Stuart. I don’t get why people put French Stewart in movies. His fucking eyes are shut all the time. How does he see? This guy squints more than a half-baked Chinese man in a ‘stare at the sun’ contest. And that voice, it’s agony. I feel like I should be merciful and just put him down like a sick dog. He sounds like a Jew with a blocked nose, as if you recorded Fran Drescher imitating Gary Coleman.
Speaking of Tom Arnold (oh yeah, did you see that smooth plug?), how drunk did that guy have to be to stick it to Roseanne Barr? Jesus Christ, you’d need to drip-feed me about a gallon of rubbing alcohol to look at that thing. And he married her. The man must have an iron constitution, or maybe she’s just a really beautiful person on the inside. Or maybe he was just drunk a lot. I guess we’ll never know.
Anyway, back to the movie at hand. It’s a great show with some hilarious quotes and amusingly ludicrous situations. You’ll enjoy watching it, and i bet even your kids will. There are even plenty of jokes for young and old, as lame or outright ridiculous as they may be, so it’s worth sitting down with the family to watch. With some popcorn. If you think you can stomach 108 minutes of French Stuart’s nasally blunderings.
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