The Karate Dog

This scene was the least gay thing in this movie.

They didn’t just lower the bar with this movie. They got drunk and played limbo with it until Mike from accounting knocked it off the poles, and they left it where if fell; in a cooling puddle of sick on the rec-room floor.

Let me paint you a picture with my words here. Granted it will probably end up reading like a Jackson Pollock, but that is only half my fault given the subject matter I am attempting to study. It’s like asking Michael J Fox to sit still for a life drawing class.

Dirt Nasty from Three Loco plays LAPD computer expert Peter Fowler, who is investigating the murder of an elderly Chinese man in Chinatown of all places. However, things become complicated when he learns that the only witness if a dog named Cho Cho. Much to Fowlers surprise he discovers that the old Chinese man, like every old Chinese man in American cinema, was a martial arts expert, and had passed this knowledge down to his dog, who also became a martial arts expert.

If you think this movie is getting just a tad too tereifa for you, then hold onto your yamakas, because this dreidel hasn’t finished spinning yet. This ‘karate dog’ is also the only dog in the world who can speak perfect human. So Fowler and Cho Cho team up to track down the crime lord responsible for killing Mr. Miyagi.

Nope. Still not even close to being done yet. Oy vey! My Rabbi would be having a shvitz by now.

Because I respect the man I will not tell you who supplies the voice for the dog. Let’s just call him C. Chase. No, that’s too obvious. Let’s call him Chevy C. Yes, Chevy Chase lowered his standards for paying work considerably for this role. And better yet, the villain, the man who this karate dog ends up fighting with? Jon Voight. I can’t even make something that ridiculous up. Chevy Chase playing a crime fighting dog who speaks human and knows karate duelling it out with Jon Voight in a grimy rooftop battle to the death.

It’s as if they knew the movie couldn’t succeed on its own merit so they just leeched material where they could,  borrowing heavily from such martial arts classics as The Karate Kid and... Karate Kid 2, probably? And by ‘borrowing heavily’ I mean blatantly stealing from. They even do a Matrix slow-mo rip off, which is surprising because the guy that wrote the screenplay for this movie wasn’t even born when The Matrix came out in fucking 1999.

Is this horse moving? No? It's dead? Well you better KEEP FUCKING FLOGGING IT ANYWAY!

What a penis.

They didn’t just plumb the depths here. They anchored off the Mariana trench and scoured it with a hooked dragnet, uncovering several swollen corpses and disturbing the eternal slumber of a Lovecraftian entity.

This movie sucks balls. The stunt doubles look nothing like their actor counterparts, the story is so bad it actually swings around to good and then back to bad again, the script was written by someone who has no understanding of subtlety or nuance, or any words for that matter, and the CG dog effects are so awful I pity whoever made them. They stand out amongst the other shit like a kid who ate highlighters. Sure, they are bright and out of place, but in this scenario that isn’t a good thing.

Fuck you movie. Here’s 84 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

And talk about persecution. Microsoft Word does not consider Yiddish to be proper words.