 |
| Pure, uncut awesome. |
If you have never seen or even heard of this movie then what the fuck are you doing with your life because, seriously, you’re not spending it doing anything worthwhile – like watching Boondock Saints. Now, before you go and have a woman-poof about this, I know the official title is ‘The Boondock Saints’, but in my opinion the word ‘the’ – throughout all of history – has never done anything good enough to make it worthy of being associated with this awesome-fest of a film. ‘The’ can go and fuck itself with a hose; it will always just be ‘Boondock Saints’ to me.
The movie starts with Irish music (get used to it) and two stone-jawed men working in an abattoir and spending their nights drinking and starting fights. But hey, it IS St. Patricks Day after all (like you didn’t see that coming). We get about 74 seconds in before a massive dyke comes on screen, has a whinge about men and gets punched in the fucking mouth. Oh, fuck yeah. This is the definitive point in the movie when you know shit’s about to get wicked. Then, just as you thought you might recover – BAM – sassy gay cop.
Willem Dafoe should have got 7 Oscars and a free sample of fabric softener for this role. I’ve never seen anyone manly enough to fuck a guy in the arse and then have the ability to – completely sincerely and straight faced - call the receiver a fag when he wants to cuddle afterwards. His on screen presence is powerful, from reading the crime scenes, and having it re-enacted around him, to dressing up like a woman and shooting some dago wops in the face and dispensing gay jokes like they were going out of fashion. Honestly, it’s worth buying this movie just to see him. His character is so intense he feels the need to pull his gun out and fire a few shots off into the air WHILE AT A CRIME SCENE.
So basically the story goes that two Irish brothers go ‘Batman with an Uzi’ style vigilante on any mobster scum, drug dealing thugs or murder-rapists they can find, gunning them down then praying that god takes their souls to hell, but not without giving them bus fare first. Agent Smecker (Dafoe) discovers their identities but, instead of arresting them, helps them evade police capture and even assists in orchestrating their big finale.
Billy Connolly makes an appearance as a psychotic hit-man with a penchant for shooting goodfellas and smoking massive cigars. What kind of person straps 6 pistols to their chest? And what’s with that guy’s accent. It sounds like he’s mixing cement somewhere in the back of his throat.
Owning this movie will make everything in your life better. Your girlfriend will be hotter and her tits will grow at least 2 cup sizes, guaranteed. Your car will do burnouts for 3 days and your dick will get so big you’ll have to wear it like a fashionable scarf.
This movie came out 11 years ago to an audience not yet prepared for it, so it wallowed in obscurity for a few years before rising to the widely known cult film it is today. It wasn’t until 10 years after this film’s release that a sequel was announced. All I can say is that the next movie has got some big shoes to fill.
This movie is a combination of racial slurs, action and Ron Jeremy (yes, he’s in this movie too).The Paddy accents are sometimes a bit forced, sounding as graceful and flowing as a one-legged retard down a flight of wonky stairs.. in an earthquake. It’s a classic underdog/vigilante story that, while not being original, is certainly an entertaining twist that most people will enjoy.
If you don’t yet own this film, buy it. Now. Go now. I’m dead fucking serious.
No comments:
Post a Comment