Crime Spree

Zero, Bum-nose and Charlés Bronson looking cool.

2003 called, they want their relatively unknown movie back. Which is sad, in a way, because Crime Spree is actually a pretty good film.

Crime Spree, or Le Film de Merde as it is known in it's native French, was written and directed by Brad Mirman, who was previously known for writing and/or directing such masterful additions to film history as Gideon, Knight Moves, The Piano Player, Absolon and the famously shit-tacular Highlander 3: The Final Dimension. I’m going to let that sink in for a minute. Highlander 3.

How does a man with such a terrible fucking resume still get to make movies? You wouldn’t give a homeless man a credit card. No, because he made some pretty shit choices. Would you give Michael J. Fox a license to perform delicate brain surgery? God no. So why, after fucking Highlander 3, did anyone agree to give this arse-hat money to make a goddamn movie? Not even fucking Zues himself could answer that. But do you know what? I’m glad they did. Because – apart from the obvious fact that this guy kept Christopher Lambert employed throughout the 90’s – he went on to write and direct this movie.

Crime Spree is in many ways comparable to Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I say comparable here, although I really mean ‘blatantly ripped off entire segments from’. The whole first scene could be mistaken for that particular scene in Lock, Stock (which came out 5 years before Crime Spree) where those two bumbling idiots try to steal the something from the mansion and the old man with a double barrel shotgun who is trying to fend them off not just for the two morons in a mansion trying to steal something, but also because of the old man who tries to fend them off with a double barrel shotgun.

Are you picking up what I’m putting down here, folks?

Other than that it shares a few other similarities to Guy Ritchie films, not so obviously, in the style, pace and multiple converging storylines which I feel only enhance any movie – Ritchie or not. Now, I don’t think I’m just making random connections here because, eerily, when I looked this movie up on IMDB all four NewsDesk articles were about Jason Statham. Coincidence?

I should probably talk about the movie at some point. The story revolves around 6 French criminals who are sent to Chicago by their boss to steal a precious jewelled necklace for him. Leading them is Daniel (Gerard Depardieu), with Marcel – a man that looks more like a French Charles Bronson than Charles Bronson would in France – as the muscle and the Algerian pretty boy Sami as the man who knows the layout of the area. With them are Zero – the man who only refers to himself in the third person – as the shooter, Raymond – the sensitive 40 year old who lives with him mother – as the driver and finally Julien – The idiot sidekick – as the idiot sidekick.

On an unrelated note Julien looks so much like Hugh Laurie that for half the movie I thought I was watching House being a badass, although the speaking French thing was, in retrospect, an early warning sign.

The job doesn’t exactly go to plan as they find themselves tying up and robbing the underboss of the Chicago mafia – Frankie Zammeti (played by Harvey Keitel). Unfortunately for them Zammeti’s house is under surveillance from the FBI and a particularly corrupt Agent Pogue (Shawn Lawrence). All the while the car they stole for a getaway vehicle belongs to the leader of the local Hispanic gang.

Now they have the FBI, the Chicago mafia, the Hispanic gangs and a corrupt FBI agent after them. I believe the technical term for that is ‘fucked’.

The ending isn’t exactly one of those surprising mind-fucks, but by the same token it isn’t very obvious, and I think it works very well in this case. You grow genuine feelings for these half-wit criminals, thrown into a situation as scapegoats for greedy and corrupt assholes.

And that poor deaf guy.

The casting is fabulous, so fabulous you’ll have to pretend in saying ‘fabulous’ with my wrist limp and my leather pants tight. Gerard Depardieu is both funny and well suited as Daniel, and plays his dramatic scenes quite well. Zero, also played by a man with only one name – Renaud, is great, just great. He is so self assured and cool, it kind of makes me want to be French. And may God strike me down if I ever say that again. Hell, even Abe Vigoda makes an appearance. And if you don’t know who Abe Vigoda is may the lord have mercy upon your soul because I will come down on you like the fist of a righteous god.
Fucking Abe Vigoda. He'll make an appearance in anything these days, ever since the decline of 'goodfella' mafioso movies.

The movie also plays on the culture shock of these frog eaters coming to America for the first time. There is a funny scene where they are in some shithole diner ordering lunch and one of them asks to ‘see the wine list’. It’s that kind of clever humour that is halfway between jutting brow stupid comedy and brilliantly satirical and mocking wit, which is a hard line to walk.

Gerard Depardieu’s nose looks like a bum though, and that can get pretty distracting at times. And, while this paragraph does seem broken and out of place, I didn’t really have anywhere else to put it.

If you are looking to waste a couple of hours with a good show and a few laughs, then I would strongly recommend watching Crime Spree. Plus you will be helping Brad Mirman keep such great actors as Christian Slater, Christopher Lambert and Harvey Keitel in work. And I think we all know that that is a fucking essential.

After watching this movie I developed an affinity for fine wines, cheeky reds in particular.

And remember: Guns don’t kill people, Mario Van Peebles.