The Lost Boys

Hot Corey on Corey action. Radical!

Finally. A movie that is as good now as it was back in late eighties, which is not very.

Here is a prime example, caught on film for all time, of why the 80’s kicked so much arse. I mean, just look at this thing. It’s packed full with rockin’ tunes, radical haircuts and Hawaiian shirts. Gnarly.

In all seriousness though, this is – historically – a very important film. 1987’s The Lost Boys was the first pairing of Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. This dynamic duo, ironically known as ‘the two Coreys’ went on to star in such classics as ‘Dream a Little Dream’, ‘License to Drive’ and the self titled erotic thriller ‘Blown Away’, (not to be confused with the good movie of the same name) three films I know are in your DVD collection. The two Coreys went on to star in something like twelve movies together. Twelve, yes 12, as in ‘more than eleven’. Credit where credit’s due, the scriptwriters managed to fit not one, but two Coreys into TWELVE FUCKING MOVIES. That’s like trying to fit John Goodman into spandex, or Steven Seagal into a movie with a story arc.

I should probably start talking about the movie soon, but really, if you haven’t seen The Lost Boys by now, then you have no concept of culture or the arts and deserve to wait until I have finished my spiel on the two Coreys. Which I have.

The Lost Boys was a milestone in the careers of not only the two Coreys, but also Kiefer Sutherland - who also starred alongside Feldman in Stand By Me the year before. As I sit here writing this, I am holding the DVD in my hand, and you know what? It smells like the future. It smells pristine and almost other-worldly, and in it's reverse side, it's shiny fractal anomaly of an underside, I saw the face of God; my own reflection.

Ok, the movie.

The story revolves around a young boy, Sam Emerson (Haim), who’s family moves to Santa Carla, California from some dirt shithole in Arizona for some undisclosed reason. I think it’s something to do with his mum and dad getting divorced, but it’s hardly essential to the plot. They could have said that a horde of Eric Stoltzes had terrorised Arizona and it wouldn’t have mattered, at least not unless you are Eric Stoltz. Sam decides to hit the town with his older brother (Jason Patric – known only for his roles in Sleepers as a rape victim and Speed 2: Cruise Control as, well, you know what? It doesn’t matter). He finds his way into a comic book store where he meets the brothers Frog (Feldman and some Mexican) who tell him of the plague of vampires that have been harassing the town. It is never explained how these two are experts on vampires and vampirism, only that they read a lot of comics on the subject (which seems to be reasonable enough grounds for the scriptwriter for two kids to have some pretty serious knowledge on the occult and a will to use it). Michael, the older brother, decides to try his luck with some gypsy slut and is unwillingly admitted into the secret vampire clubhouse where the vampire’s gang leader, David (Sutherland), gets them all Chinese take away.

My god, the nerve of those vampires.

Michael slowly turns over the course of the film, much to the dismay of Sam, who has been brainwashed by the Frog brothers’ vampire hating cult into hating vampires (and vampire cults). This whole time their mum has been trying to get some dick off a guy who owns the local video store, Max. While Michael is off floating and eating Chinese food with his vampire buddies, Sam is becoming more and more suspicious of Max, who he thinks is the head vampire. His mum asks Max over for dinner so Sam and the Frog boys decide to help by putting a whole garlic bulb into the parmesan cheese and mirrors all around the house. This plan doesn’t succeed as it turns out Max likes garlic and has a reflection. At this point in the plot, Michael begins to fly a lot and the vampires eat a group of ‘surf nazis’. Star, the gypsy slut, tells Michael that she, too, is a vampire and that David wanted Michael to be her first kill. This makes him very cross and he decides to help his brother and the Frogs by leading them to the vampires’ super secret base. They go to the ruins of an old hotel and find the vampires... hanging from the roof. Yes, they actually did this. Anyway, here they manage to kill a vampire named Marko (who is actually Alex Winter of Bill and Ted fame. Man, this movie has everyone in it). Marko’s girlish cries awaken the other vampires (who look like rejects from an Adam and the Ants audition) and the group barely escapes.

That night the vampires attack Sam and Michael at their house, but unbeknownst to them, the boys, and the Frogs, are ready for them. They set about killing vampires with an unhealthy efficiency that would make polish labour workers look slack. Stakes, holy water bubble baths and even a mounted bucks head are all used as arsenal in this epic battle of good against evil. David and Michael cross swords and it turns out Michael’s is bigger. David is killed, but none of the vampires transform back to normal people, as the expected. This is a problem, because their mum is about to get home and they now have a house filled with the newly dead. Luckily for them though, their mum arrives home with Max, who is actually the head vampire, and who was trying to shag their mum to convert her to a vampire too so that she could be a mother to his ‘lost boys’.
Oh shit, did you see what they did there? Smooth.

At this point Sam’s hill billy grandpa crashes his jeep through the living room wall, causing a fence post to impale Max in the heart. Max dies, the vampires are transformed back into regular people and grandpa casually gets a beer from the fridge, proclaiming, “One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach...all the damn vampires". The movie ends on a high note, with a bit of a chuckle at grandpa’s massive understatement of the situation and life goes on better than before... Except now they have a house filled with freshly dead PEOPLE, not vamps. How the fuck do they intend to explain a half dozen mutilated bodies to the police? Talk about a plot hole.

This movie is a mix of shit and win, as hard as that is to imagine. It’s cheesy and tragically 80’s, but is one of those movies that has become something else. It is fondly remembered by entire generations of people, who then remember it un-fondly when they watch it again. It is definitely something you have to see before you die. The soundtrack is bodacious and the fashion is hilarious.

Thankfully we are now graced with not one, but two sequels. And do you know what? Corey fucking Feldman is back in both of them. Who cares if he hasn’t worked since 1992, the guy is fucking a playboy model on a regular basis. He is my idol. Cool Corey. They also managed to sign on Angus Sutherland for the first sequel. Yes, Angus, the younger half-brother of big shot Kiefer. Holy shit, how do they sleep at night? And who the fuck is Angus Sutherland? His only claim to fame was being a hot cum load from his infinitely more famous father Donald (who funnily enough also played a vampire in the made for TV Rob Lowe epic – Salem’s Lot)

Kiefer will always be my Sutherland.