Planet Terror

Burn victim or Mickey Rourke?

You guys voted for it, so here it is, in all its steaming glory.

2007’s Planet Terror was a bit of a break-away for director Robert Rodriguez, who was previously only really known for the Spy Kids films and Desperado. But, in a brilliant career move, decided to team up with Quentin Tarantino to make Grindhouse, a double movie feature using grainy effects to give it that shitty 70's horror movie type quality and feel.

This movie encapsulates everything that matters to men: hot cars, hotter women, BBQ ribs and killing zombies. You just can’t top this shit. I’ll admit that this isn’t exactly a challenging movie to understand. The plot and original script was written on a napkin in purple crayon, so you don’t exactly need a degree to follow the story, but who gives a fuck? This movie could be dubbed over entirely in farts and the giggles of a stoned kid and it would still be awesome. Possibly awesomer. I watched this with a few drinks under my belt and it just made it better (as drinking does with most things).

Bruce Willis, Josh Brolin, Rose McGowan and that brown guy from Lost head up an all star (or at least B-grade star) cast. There are a few cameos in this film; as usual there is Quentin Tarantino (who is credited as both ‘Rapist #1’ and ‘The zombie that’s eating road kill’), but we also see Michael Biehn and Tom Savini, so it’s safe to say that this movie isn’t short on actors who are short of work. I half expected to see Cheech Marin and Danny Trejo…. Oh wait.
What are these Mexicans doing in a movie? Shouldn’t they all be sleeping or something or doing something equally Mexican, like cock fighting or sneaking into the U.S.?

Ok, it’s time to get back to the movie. I may have become a little side tracked.

This film is brilliant. Not in the sense that it’s hard-hitting, or well written or even well made. No, this film is brilliant because it has just the right amount of tongue-in-cheek humour to show that it doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s making more of a mockery of itself than I ever could. I mean, who honestly could keep a straight face when Wray pulls out that pocket rocket and pops a wheelie with the most dead pan expression ever. It’s hilarious. And that part with the kid in the car. Fuck, I coughed up about a third of my left lung. Robert Rodriguez just seems to have known that the script alone could never carry this film, and figured ‘fuck it’ and just decided to have as much fun and possible on his budget - which, by the look of the movie, was about 40,000,000 Pesos, or about $8.75 USD.

All in all, this movie is a breath of fresh (or at least less polluted) air in a film industry soullessly pumping out rom-com after com-rom as if their target demographic is my fucking mum. It's got one or two pretty original concepts, like gun-leg and knifing a zombie and trying to dodge it's spurting blood while doing acrobatics with a look of stern determination on your face. Sure, it’s not perfect, it certainly could have used some tits and a fart joke, but I don’t care. I loved it. I almost urinated on myself in warm, golden squirts of joy because I was laughing so hard. If you have yet to see this heroic effort in zombie preparation films then do yourself a favour and hire it. Slide it into your DVD player and curl up on the lounge with an exotic brew and a urinary catheter in preparation for fun times.

Also, vote Tarantino #1 rapist! I know I did.