Postal

Uwe Boll being... well... Uwe Boll.

I don’t really know what to make of this movie. Is it trying to be an action film? Is it trying to have some sort of subtle political satire? Is it really just this shit? Well, it’s an Uwe Boll film, so the answers to those questions are ‘Maybe’, ‘Probably’ and ‘Yes’ respectively, although the word ‘subtle’ doesn’t seem to be in this movies vocabulary.

If you don’t know who Uwe Boll is then, apart from being an idiot, you are ignorant of the plight of the videogame-to-film adaptations scene. Boll is a self-titled genius and possibly the worst thing to ever come out of Germany since Volkswagen’s Kombi. Honestly I’d rather watch the whole Holocaust on DVD than see another Uwe Boll videogame adaptation. Seriously, this guy has so much in common with Joseph Goebbels that it’s scary. German? Check. Director? Check. Anti-Semite? Probably. Perpetrator of some of the most horrifying atrocities to man ever witnessed by humanity? Definitely.

He had an online petition put against him to stop him from making any new movies, which was sponsored by stride gum (see www.stopuweboll.org). When he expressed interest in directing the Warcraft movie Blizzard told him they didn’t want him anywhere near it. If none of this is ringing any bells, then fret not. You may have seen one of his highly polished turds of a film and not realised it was indeed his. Stop me if any of these sound familiar. (Of course don’t literally try to stop me by talking to your monitor or anyone watching you might think you’re one of those crazy types.)
• House of the Dead
• BloodRayne
• Alone in the Dark
• Dungeon Siege

Yes, they should sound familiar, mostly because they were once proud and noble games (with the exception of House of the Dead, which always sucked dog balls) until Uwe got his hands on the licenses. He once challenged his 5 worst critics to a boxing match and won. All 5, back-to-back, undefeated. Now, I know I’ve gotten way off track; I just need you to understand the kind of person we’re dealing with. An Officer and a Gentleman... I mean a Krout and a Mad-man.

Well, for a change let’s talk about the movie. Boll is infamous for shitty movies, so it came as a very pleasant surprise when I watched Postal and, not only couldn’t stop laughing, but I couldn’t stop re-watching it. Postal is a bit of an eye opener the first time round. The game it’s based on is shocking (and terribly fun) by itself, but with Uwe’s vision it became something else entirely. Racism is rampart, with all convenience store owners being labelled as both Middle Eastern and terrorist sympathisers. Hate crimes are shown in a comical, rose-coloured light. A fat lady gets flour thrown on her so that her yokel lover can ‘find the wet spot.’ It’s all very over the top and very out of its mind.

The Film is all very tongue-in-cheek, with Uwe Boll making a cameo as himself, the owner of ‘Little Germany’ (formerly Little Holland), an amusement park with such attractions as Hasselhoff’s Sausage Haus, Dr. Mengele’s First Aid Station and Concentration Camp Playground. Every German stereotype in one place. He has such lines as “You know, because there are all those rumours out there that my films are financed with Nazi gold; and what should I say? It’s true. But somebody must do something with the money” and “I get a little horny here on stage sometimes, if you see the crowd and all the children...” Vince Desi, creator of the Postal video game, also makes a cameo appearance as himself and starts a fight with Uwe on stage, stating that he ruined his game with this shitty movie. This movie doesn’t just break the fourth wall; it takes a shit on it.

The game has little to no plot whatsoever, so it’s no surprise that the movie has even less of one. Osama Bin Laden, a Jonestown-esque cult, corrupt cops, suicide bombings, George W. Bush and a midget. Like I said, it’s an hour and a half of insanity and insensitivity. There is no line it won’t cross, no taboo too taboo, no depravity it won’t sink to and no joke tasteless enough for this outstanding addition to the underappreciated cinematic genre of... well as best as I can reckon it, it’s an action/comedy film, but I don’t think that is quite enough to fully encapsulate what this film is about. It is probably one of the more offensive movies out there; it’s self aware, self hating and surprisingly good. It’s all done so well, like a coy little girl, giving you those longing looks. Sure, her mouth might not say no, but her lust-filled eyes say ‘rough me up, daddy.’

I wouldn’t recommend inviting your mum around to watch this with you, but I would recommend six of your best mates and a six-pack of your favourite brew. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you might even vomit a little bit. But you will come out the other end a far richer person that you were. Or you might come out a sobbing mess of jabbering... it’s a fifty/fifty.

If you find yourself strangely interested or disbelieving about Uwe Boll and how mental he really is, I invite you to check him out on wiki. Honestly, you won’t even be able to guess half the shit he’s done and said. Your mortal mind cannot even fathom it.

If you’re reading this Uwe I’d just like to say that I’m flattered, and please don’t beat me up.