The Goonies

Sloth: Making ugly people seem sexier since 1985.

This week I point my dual blades of sarcasm and patronizing at 1985’s The Goonies.

This movie is a staple in the diet of cartoons, movies and candy that makes up any childhood from 1985 onwards. I can remember being about 5 years old, sitting in my flannel pajamas on a gold velour lounge, eating a bowl of ice cream with Cottee’s chocolate topping and watching The Goonies on some motherfucking VHS. Shit yes. This movie was one of those great films of the 80’s. If this film has one flaw it’s that it stars only one Corey, unlike another of the classic 80’s films - The Lost Boys – which stars not one, but both Corey’s (both Feldman and the lesser known Haim).

The Goonies has everything a kid wants in a film: Murder, adventure, action, Corey Feldman, hidden treasure and racial stereotyping (and boody traps!). It’s one of those select few films from my childhood that I can watch today and still enjoy. It’s interesting to look back and see where Sean Astin and Josh Brolin got their big breaks. The characters are lovable, you really do feel this ‘boys only clubhouse’ kind of camaraderie and that cheesy, awkward teen-love story. I’m not saying this was a screenplay to rival Schindler’s List (for starters The Goonies didn’t have a steamy shower scene) but it stands well on its own and aged gracefully, unlike some classic 80’s atrocities.

The Goonies has become so retro it’s almost hip. I’ve seem a few people around with the ‘Hey, you guys!’ Sloth t-shirt, and rightly so. This movie has some great memorable lines, like… Umm… “baby ruth?”. There is also a pirate named ‘One-eyed Willy’. I’m not even making that up. It’s so obvious now, but in 1989 I didn’t know what innuendo was. I was four years old for fuck’s sake, and this movie seemed as innocent as Sesame Street. And who could forget the Truffle Shuffle?

Any one who has ever played, or more accurately wasted time playing World of Warcraft will know that this movie was the inspiration for the greatest dungeon of them all. Dead Mines. Fuck yes, Van Cleef for the win! But that’s enough of that. Watching this movie again for this review, I feel lucky to have ever seen it. It helped define and sculpt a generation. It, along with Stand By Me, are the perfect examples of boyhood friendships and how the decisions we make affect the people we become, and because I feel I’m getting far too serious here for my target audience; 'titty bum dick fart'.

I love this movie. I love its sense of adventure, its child-like freedom. It’s inspiring. If you somehow missed out on this movie in your childhood then race down to the local video store and hire this motherfucker, buy it, borrow it off a friend, whatever. I don’t care, just as long as you don’t pirate it with your 1337 hax0r sk1LLz.