Kick-Ass

Give me 9mm, and make it hurt.

Bear with me here folks. My vocabulary may not be all it could be right now, I’m still reeling from the tremendous blow that this movie gave my bean bag. It’s as if someone crept into my room at night with some sort of brain scanning equipment and recorded a combination of my greatest dreams and darkest sexual fantasies, because that is what I just watched; a twelve-year-old girl in a schoolgirl outfit – complete with piggy tails – crying tears and then shooting the shit out of a group of Mafioso men. Is this a common male fantasy, or is it just me and Roman Polanski?

Now, I’ve not read the comics that this fine piece of film history was based on, but I am terribly interested to now, though I hear the film differs from them on a few key points. Honestly though I don’t give a fuck. I couldn’t give half a fuck, even had I procured several free fucks to give, and I was paid to pass them out, like coupons to a pizza place down the road, while I stood on the corner dressed as a giant pizza with my array of toppings spelling out the word 'fuck' in black, overcooked letters stinking of pickled olives. That’s about as little as I care that it differs, because if it’s even 1/8th as awesome as the film adaptation was then it will be what I like to call ‘Rad-to-the-Max’, or ‘Radical-to-the-maximum’, for those of you who aren’t down with abbrev’s.

I had the chance to sit down and watch this today with a dear, dear someone-who-was-here-at-the-time, and I’ll tell you, we were almost wet with perspiration and lactate. I had to change my pants three times and my jumper once. He had to change his shoes as well, and it’s best not to ask why. Let’s just say that we were both a bit too involved and far too pumped, and too ill-prepared for the results of such a sexually charged concoction of manliness and radical.

I’m not going to sit here and give out spoilers or plot points to this movie. Mainly because I really can’t be fucked writing it out for you, but also because I don’t want to give away anything this sick-fest has to offer. All I am prepared to say is that if you haven’t watched this movie them you may be a homosexual. I’m just saying that if you don’t want to go and watch this film right now then there is an increased risk of you putting a dick in your mouth like you’re sucking on a 9mm in preparation for blowing your brains out all over the wall. Except the load you’ll be taking won’t be lead-based.

I will say that it is a super-hero movie with a near self aware, knocking on the fourth wall kind of attitude. It makes reference to super heroes as being comic book fantasies and purposely crushing the vengeance driven vigilante stereotype. It’s a story about a kid who’s just had enough of the shit, and is tired of being one of those people who just watch, and don’t act, when witnessing a crime. There is a lot of the movie's story that is based around this concept of a hero who is just a normal guy. No super powers, no billionaire trust fund development teams, no murdered parents. It makes a few jokes about conventional comic book heroes like Spiderman, Batman and Superman, and that these characters even exist in the films universe is funny to think about. There’s even the line “The difference between Peter Parker and Spiderman? Spiderman gets the girls.” So it’s hard to tell if this movie is fully aware that it’s based on a comic, or if it’s all just some clever ‘this shit will freak their minds’ kind of homage. Either way, it’s just having fun with it.

There is so much fighting captured on film here, and it’s done extraordinarily well. Usually with a fight scene the editor has an epileptic fit and all we are given is a hastily cut, mish-mash of half-second shots of faces and fists, and occasionally you’ll see the two connect. But in Kick-Ass the direction is as good as the editing. We see whole fights lasting minutes at a time. We see heads explode as .45 ACP rounds exit the skull in an eruption of colour and mist. We see people getting their shit righteously fucked up, with broken limbs and stab wounds aplenty. It is arousing to say the least.

The casting was done well. The main character is a reasonably unknown actor and it works to the films advantage of having an ordinary boy as the main star. Chloe Mortez, the little ninja on steroids, is fantastic as Hit-Girl. She has the mouth of an angel and the vocabulary of a trucker, and would get Woody Allen very arrested. And I never thought I’d see the day when I wanted Nicolas Cage to get more screen time. Seriously, how fucked up is that? I actually enjoyed him so much I needed more, and like a junkie looking to score a fix, I put Gone in 60 Seconds in my DVD player and cried myself into a near comatose state. His acting career is like a teenage girl’s mood swings. Snake Eyes, up. The Wicker Man, down. 8MM, up. Ghost Rider, very down. More down that a person with Down’s, whom I’m told, are really super down, bringing new meaning to the hit song ‘Get Low’.

So, my verdict is this. Go and see this fucking movie you commie wuss, because if you haven’t gone to see this ‘Buffet of Win and Epic’ then the only conceivable reason is that you were too fucking busy getting a manicure. And if you have seen it, see it again Princess. My friend saw it three times in the cinema and now he looks like Gung-Ho from the G. I. Joe cartoon. His dick has grown a moustache and he eats iron bars with milk for breakfast. I’m envious of his unbridled manliness.

Kick-Ass kicks so much arse it needs to wear specially designed gum-boots and uses bowels as socks.