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| Optimus: ruining the Decepticon's shit. |
This movie truly lives up to its name. 2009's Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen managed to transform my excitement into disappointment. It ruined my fond childhood memories in just two and a half hours. Beat that repressed traumatic memories of physical and mental abuse, you couldn't do that in 18 years.
I enjoyed the first film. I’m not saying it was great, but it was better than any Steven Segal movie I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching. This one, however, was like watching your loving family dog slowly choke to death on a huge dildo behind a 4” thick wall of Perspex, knowing you couldn’t do a thing about it.
Entertainment Weekly gave this movie the review “Awesome!”, so I assume they either got paid a shitload by Paramount Pictures, or they employ a 10 year old to hand out reviews consisting entirely of buzz words. I hear they gave G.I.Joe a “Gnarly”, and Public Enemies is all set to get a “Radical”. Seriously, did you guys even watch this fucking movie? Admittedly, I’d give this movie an “Awesome” too if they paid me the $10,000 E.W. got paid, but as they haven’t even given me $10, I’m going to give it an “Awesome... ly bad.”
Megan Fox pisses me off so bad. You just look at her and know she needs help to tie up her shoes in the morning. She’s a horrible actor and as dumb as a dried, old dog turd, a fact that they reference jokingly in the movie, “You sure are hot, but you ain’t that bright”. Shia LaBeouf is better, but that's not saying much. A dead cat animated by puppet strings would have made a better heroine. Heroin would, ironically, make this movie a lot better.
This movie is very, very confusing. They go all over the world and you are never sure where they are or why. It’s a fucking wild goose chase. Another thing that confused and irritated me is that they only name about 4 Decepticons and a scant 2 Autobots. I could only make out a handful, and even the well known ones are hard to identify because every robot seems to be the same fucking colour and shape. There are no distinctive or easily recognisable Autobots other than Bumblebee and Optimus and I spent half the movie trying to tell Starscream and Megatron apart. Starscream's whiney little bitch voice gave him away most of the time though. Honestly, if you are new to the Transformers and didn’t spend a beer fuelled weekend watching the original cartoon series back to back like some of us did, you are going to have a hard fucking time telling who is who from the orgy of metallic car-robot-people on screen. It's like throwing two sugar ants into a pit to fight, then asking you to keep track of your ant. Colour coordinate, fuck. The cartoon series saw them all with individual and unique colour schemes and we sure as shit could tell them apart, even at 8 years old. I'm 23 and, even with the knowledge I garnedred from my youth, I had a hell of a time knowing who I was meant to be cheering for.
All in all, this movie is a load of arse. It’s like Michael Bay forgot the plot himself halfway through and just started making excuses to film himself blowing shit up. I’m not saying Michael Bay doesn’t have an awesome pool, or an awesome barbeque, but his latest film is an awesome shit stain on the industry. The Autobots spend most of their time standing around holding their ‘petrol bowsers’ and are generally just total pussies. All except Optimus Prime, who stomps Decepticon arse like it’s going out of fashion. But they kill him off like 30 minutes in. Bullshit. This movie is fucking bullshit. A pox on this atrocity.
Do yourself a favour and avoid this fucking piss-storm. I'd rather watch Transexuals 2: Revenge of the Ball-en. It’s as bad as Resident Evil: Degeneration, and just as good at ruining fond memories of a franchise as Kevin Perkins (CEO of Sizzler).
Fuck, I loved that dessert bar.
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