Clash of the Titans

Perseus brings things to a head. Zing!

If I were to sum this movie up into two words, they would be: moderately epic. Not awesomely epic, or even suitably epic, which is a bit of a let-down to how massively pumped I was to go and see it. I’m not saying it was a bad movie. Far from it – I really enjoyed it. But it just wasn’t up to the standard that the trailer set. I’ll attempt to explain this disappointment to you using my words, like my counsellor told me to, and not with death threats to Gary Coleman.

This remake of Clash of the Titans is directed by Louis Leterrier, previously known for such skid-marks on the underpants of cinema as The Incredible Hulk - an incredibly painful viewing experience, Transporter 2 – which failed in every way to live up to the first of the now Transporter trilogy, and Unleashed – which is actually a fucking great movie.

I can’t say a bad word about the cast though, except for Sam Worthington – whose accent made me feel like I was watching neighbours or some shit. I wasn’t quite sure what he was trying to be half the time. It certainly wasn’t Greek though, more like a horrid impersonation of Nick Giannopoulos in the Wog Boy. Anyway, the characters were passionate and enjoyable, hell I even liked most of them. The parts were played well and the dialogue was, for the most part, delivered with gusto.

Liam Neeson was the perfect choice for Zeus, you know, except for the whole Greek god talking like an Irishman thing, and shone resplendently in his burnished armour. The secret to Liam’s almost blinding levels of ‘shininess’ was that the director asked him to assume his true form, which is ironically, that of a God. He was so majestic I couldn’t even look at him. Much like an eclipse I had to sneak in a shoebox with a pinhole cut into it just to be able to watch his scenes in safety. And that beard, it was like a dense fog hanging low on a Scottish moor.

But enough about real Demigods.

One actor you may not be entirely familiar with, but who stole most of the show, was Mads Mikkelsen. No, I’m not making that name up, he’s Danish. He came to fame outside of Denmark as ‘Le Chiffre’ in Casino Royale (with cheese), and is rumoured to be appearing in his own sitcom opposite Helen Hunt called “Mads About You”. That I may have made up. He was amazing in this role though, all grizzled and hardened, like a slab of granite that’s been worn down by wind and rain and rudimentary cutting implements. A far cry from how he appeared in Casino Royale.

The casting of Liam Neeson as Zeus and Ralph Fiennes as Hades wasn’t by coincidence I feel. I’ve been writing letters to Warner Brothers for years saying that they should make a movie where those two actors star as nemeses... nemesii... whatever. I’d call it “Qui-gon Jin Vs Voldemort”, which is basically what Clash of the Titans was, except with more blokes with hairy dicks running around in skirts. Ok, so it’s like a gay fan-fic of my idea.

Another member of the cast I’d like to talk about is Pete Postlethwaite. Apart from being one of Hollywood’s more ugly actors, this guy is about as British as it gets. I mean, really, Pete Postlethwaite? Why not just name him Lord Britishton Wellington Reginald Luxworthe Pompadour III and be done with it?

I went to see this movie in 3D. I’ve never been to a 3D movie before, so I didn’t really know what to expect, except three dimensions I suppose. I don’t know about the rest of you, but personally I found the 3D aspect of this film unnecessary and in some parts downright confusing. Now I’ve read that this is because the movie wasn’t filmed intentionally to be viewed in 3D, but rather was edited post-production to accommodate it. Either way I would much rather see this film in 2D. There was just too much happening on screen at times to be able to see any of it clearly, and I think it detracted a lot from the film. I found myself turning my 3D glasses around to see if they were broken, but after a few strange and stern looks from my male accomplice, assumed that this wasn’t correct procedure. I did find myself taking them off every now and then though, but after a while my eyes sort of adjusted and it wasn’t as disjointed.

This movie isn’t just going to get my praise though, oh no. I’ve got a bone or two to pick with it. First off, for a movie called “Clash of the Titans” there is a distinct lack of Titans. I suppose “The Clash” was already taken though. Really, there are no Titans in this film. I know it’s a remake, but it’s been about 13 years since I saw the original so I can’t vouch for it, but this film has no titans. Medusa? Not a Titan. The Kraken? Not a Titan. That annoying kid from “About a Boy”? Not a Titan. So, basically, needs more Titan. I did love the Bubo cameo though. Crazy robot owl.

Another gripe, although this one is probably really only for males, is the lack of tits. Yep, that’s right. No tits. Not even a tit, like they’re too good to even give us one. Even though Cassiopeia gets her bangers out in Rome, Greece apparently didn’t cut it. But you know what they say, ‘when in Rome’.

At the end of the day it’s a good movie. I mean, it’s not going to win any awards for... well, for anything really. But it was enjoyable, and very worthy of a bro-ish fist-pump of epic proportions. Hell, I even threw in the explosion draw-back finale to the fist-pump. It’s unoriginal, uninspired and uncoordinated, but fuck me sideways, is it ever awesome. It’s been called a CGI mess by some in the media, but then... it’s all Greek to me.