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| Clearly two completely different people. |
Our movie opens with Billy Ray Cyrus shaking his head and a look of stern disappointment on his face, and that really sets the tone for the rest of the film. We are then privy to watching Miley Cyrus commit several felonies, including – but not limited to – Grand Theft Golf cart, and proceed to be a snobby bitch for the next twenty minutes.
Seriously Billy Ray, ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ I could forgive, but having Miley Cyrus and NOT aborting when you had the chance is something else entirely. It’s bad enough you haven’t worked since 1992, you’re now cashing in on your daughters fame by starring in her movies and TV series cleverly disguised as “Bobby Ray”. Genius, no one will ever see through that guise. Dickhead.
The plot (or rather what we will jokingly refer to as ‘the plot’) is that Miley has to go to Tennessee for her grandmother’s birthday. Miley, of course, doesn’t want to go to some bum-hick shithole town in the middle of Jesus country to visit her family. She is fooled into going by her achy breaky father and does nothing but piss on about it for a good hour. She refuses to succumb to her hill billy roots and so we are bombarded with country music and hick talk for an unimaginably long time. She makes fun of these small town folk, and they are folk, and southerners in general, and as we all know you shouldn’t pick on retards. This is where we get such classic lines as “don’t squish the squashes”. How do they do it?
After a good talking to from her grandmother Miley starts to realise she was being a stuck up cunt and starts to appreciate her more yokel side. Gingham. Lots of gingham. No one can make this stuff look good. This is where we are subjected to a ‘becoming a hillbilly’ montage. Great.
At some point I reached the halfway mark and needed to take a break. It is at this juncture I realised that if I could somehow blind myself I would be excused from watching anymore. I would rather have my eyes fucked out, with dicks, than be subjected to any more country flair.
There are no surprises in this movie. If you don’t see a plot point developing from 15 minutes ago then I have some bad news for you. You’re either 6 years old or fully fucking retarded. Dribble-on-yourself-in-public retarded. There is naturally a love interest that appears to show no interest, the best friend who knows Miley’s secret and the equal opportunity black mayor. Yes, they claim that the mayor of Crowley Corners, Tennessee is a black man. Dream on Martin Luther, last time I checked this was still the south.
Don’t you just know it, Crowley Corners needs to raise money to save their meadows from corporate America but don’t have any way of raising it in time. Bam! Hannah Montana fundraiser concert. Like I said, the ‘plot’ in this movie was originally written by a kid who still uses safety scissors. Anyway, the dinner with the mayor, which Hannah must attend, just happens to fall on the same night as her dinner with her new crush, and she also must be there. Be in two places at once? As two different people? Without anyone finding out? Asking a fourth question in a row? That sounds like something only Miley Cyrus can do. Like you didn’t see this coming. Then, lo and behold, everything goes wrong and her prospective cunt-stuffer finds out that she’s really Hannah Montana and that he has been duped. Gadzooks!
Of course, they all make it to the concert and Miley admits that she is actually Hannah Montana and then breaks into a completely unrehearsed song and dance number. For a song she had only recently made up. That the band just happens to know. And the back-up dancers just happen to know all the moves to as if it had been previously choreographed, perfectly. The movie ends with everyone in the whole town agreeing to keep her secret identity safe and they continue to sing until the town makes enough money to keep the meadows. Even though the townsfolk are the only ones at the concert. So it would seem they actually did have the money all along. Jerks.
When the world ends there will be only a room. A white room void of everything save an unidentifiable light source. No windows, no chairs and no time. In this room will be the most terrible people in all human history. Gavrilo Princip, Walt Disney, Judas, and the man who decided to make this shit into a movie. There will be no end and no beginning to their punishment.
In the time it took to get through this movie, which looking back seems a lifetime, I took 5 pages of notes. Looking at them now I can see that very little of them is useful material and that the vast majority appears to be gibberish, insane scratches in dead languages not spoken by a human tongue since the time of Christ, written in blood. Blood that we have yet to identify. Some pages are filled with poorly drawn doodles. Some with snippets of clearly formed thought, “Oh God, Billy Ray is singing.” Others yet with just once sentence, repeated again and again until the writing becomes illegible. “Please fuck each other”
This movie is chock full of slap-stick comedy, the lowest known form. The jokes are bad, unintentionally so, and the dialogue is childish and poorly written. And why can no one tell that Hannah Montana looks exactly like Miley Cyrus would with a blonde wig on. Everyone in the whole world is nose-pickingly dumb. Like you’d expect from a shamelessly self plugging movie, the ENTIRE FUCKING SOUNDTRACK is Miley Cyrus. It’s like a constant reminded that you are fucked for the next hour and forty two minutes.
I am certain that this movie was recently discovered after a scholar, working on historical texts, uncovered a previously unknown and thought to be rumoured final page of Dante’s Divine Comedy, the tenth level of Hell. It is an empty cinema, with no popcorn and a broken slushy machine, and the only thing showing is Hannah Montana, over and over again. In High Definition.
“We left him there, and more of him I tell not;
But on mine ears there smote a lamentation,
Whence forward I intent unbar mine eyes.”
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